


This Is How We Heal

by SOFreddie



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Acute Depression, Anger, Angst, Arguing, Character Death(s), Descriptions of a breakdown, F/M, Fluff, Graphic Descriptions of Car Accident, Graphic descriptions of blood and gore (nightmare), Group Therapy, Hospitalization, Insomnia, Major injuries, Mentions of illness and injury, Nightmare, Recovery, Self-loathing/blaming, alcohol consumption, mentions of drug abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-11 03:45:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16468073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SOFreddie/pseuds/SOFreddie
Summary: Summary: Jared and Reader meet due to an unfortunate accident. They talk and end up leaning on one another because they feel no one else understands.Please heed the warnings. This is some deep feels, folks and might be VERY triggering. I'm a Mom, but not your Mom, so please read responsibly.*Series is ONGOING*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: So, this was something that’s just been playing like a movie in the back of my mind for weeks. My brain has a habit of auto-daydreaming and just taking me along for the ride. The story was intriguing enough that I decided to write it down. My first RPF. I generally don’t like writing RPF because it seems intrusive. I tried to rewrite it as Sam, but it just wasn’t the same impact in my mind. So, RPF it is. That being said, I mean no hate or disrespect to any real persons. It’s just a story, plain and simple. Also, this is my first collaborative piece. This part contains collaborations from @reigningqueenofwords. Feedback is greatly appreciated! : )

Everything was blurry and slightly tinged in crimson. Y/N slowly opened her eyes, as painful as it was, trying to get her bearings. She looked at her surroundings.  _We’re in the car._ She tried to move, only to find she was restrained. Looking down at her body, she was covered in bits of broken glass, blood spotting her clothes like a Jackson Pollock. She reached to unbuckle her seatbelt, suddenly feeling a pressure release. She gently pushed the inflated airbag from in front of her.  _What happened?_

Y/N turned her head towards the left, feeling a sharp pain in her neck. In the driver’s seat was an unconscious man. The airbag was deployed and his head rested back against the headrest, tilted to the side against the broken window.  _Brian._  She slowly reached out towards him, her cut and bruised hands sliding up his arm and to his neck.  _No pulse._  She tried to fight off her rising panic as she turned towards the back seat. Her seven-year-old son, Liam, was secured in his high-back booster seat, his head lolled to the side. He looked as if he were sleeping. She tried to reach for him, but couldn’t. She turned once more, fighting to open her door before falling out of the car and onto the ground with a painful thud. She forced herself to stand, making her way to the backseat to check on her son. She checked his pulse, he seemed fine, his breathing even. She quickly examined him for injuries, not seeing any. She quickly unbuckled him and removed him from the car, carefully setting him in the grass against a tree a few feet from the mangled vehicle.

From her position, Y/N could see the total damage. Another vehicle was twisted into hers, the front end smashed against the driver’s door. As she limped around to the other vehicle, noting a small fire building in the engine. She quickly turned her attention to the occupants. It was another family. A man behind the wheel and a woman in the passenger’s seat. As Y/N drew closer, the woman slightly moved her head, a quiet squeak emitting from her bloodied mouth. Y/N rushed closer to her side.

“M-m…kids.” The woman stuttered in a breathy whisper before coughing up blood. Y/N nodded in understanding, moving to the rear of the vehicle and opening the door. Three children were in car seats, two boys and a girl. They were so small. Upon opening the door, she could hear the wails of the young baby. The two boys flanked her, crying and in pain. Y/N worked quickly, removing the children one at a time and placing them next to her own son, noting he was awake.

“Liam, sweetie. Are you ok?” Y/N tried to remain as calm as possible for her son. He nodded, fighting back his own tears. She brushed his cheek. “I know baby, we’ll get some help. Help me with the kids, ok? Be a big boy for them?” She asked and he nodded. Liam was always her little helper, precocious and nurturing. She smiled softly before returning to the vehicle. The fire was growing in intensity.

Y/N returned to the brunette in the passenger’s seat who was now unconscious. She felt for a pulse and found none. The woman had slumped forward, blood dripping from her open mouth. Y/N grimaced as she limped around to the driver’s side and checked the man. He jumped at her touch before his eyes fluttered closed once more. She fought to remove him from the vehicle as the fire continued to grow. He was so heavy and tall, she struggled immensely. After removing him from the vehicle, rather ungracefully, she drug him under his arms towards the children. He looked familiar to her, but it was hard to tell from the cuts, bruises, and blood. Just as she set him down and turned to go back, the car exploded, engulfing both vehicles and sending debris everywhere. Y/N managed to throw herself over the children protectively before passing out.

* * *

**_Jared’s POV_ **

I woke up in a daze. My head was pounding, my body sore. I couldn’t remember having fallen asleep. As I slowly came to, I looked around the unfamiliar surroundings. I quickly realized I was in a hospital and my heart began to race. Why am I here? I felt the pull of leads in my arms and started to panic. I could hear the beeping of the heart machine racing. Then I remember -  _the accident._  I sat upright as a couple nurses ran in the room in a hurry.

“Mr. Padalecki, Mr. Padalecki!” They screamed, trying to push me back down into the bed. “You need to calm down!”

“Where’s my family? My wife? My kids?” It’s all I could think about.  _Were they okay? Were they here too?_  The nurses’ tight-lipped grimaces before me caused fear to seize hold of my heart. I think I forgot how to breathe. I tried to fight them off but felt a burning deep in my arm. I turned to see one of the nurses injecting something into my I.V. I tried to argue, to fight back, but I couldn’t move. It felt as though I were melting into the surface beneath me. My eyes grew heavy and my heart rate slowed before everything went black once more.

When I woke again, I seemed to hurt a little less than before. I got my bearings, pulling myself to sit up and adjusting the bed with the remote to help. I threw back the blankets from my body and was shocked to find I wore nothing more than a hospital gown.  _Where are my clothes?_  I went to move my legs and noticed one was in a cast from the foot to halfway up my thigh. I grabbed hold of it, trying to maneuver it enough to the side to get out of bed. My arms felt weak and my leg heavy. I broke out in a sweat once my legs were resting over the edge of the bed. I placed my hands to the side of me, trying to stand and avoiding as much pressure on my cast as I could. I lost my footing and nearly fell to the ground, several leads ripping from my arms in the process.

Those over-eager nurses returned once more. I huffed at them, my hair a mess and clinging to me from the light sweat that broke out all over. I tried to stand tall, hover over them, let them know I wouldn’t be put down again. Their five-foot-nothing stature didn’t intimidate me. That is until another woman entered the room. She introduced herself as the head nurse. She wasn’t much taller than the others, a little bigger perhaps. But it was the scowling, disapproving ‘Mom’ face that suddenly made me feel three-feet tall. I sat back on the edge of the bed.

“What happened? When can I see my family?” I begged. I was tired and I didn’t want to fight. But I needed to know my family was ok. The head nurse nodded at the others, sending them from the room.

“The doctor will be here shortly. Why don’t you lay back on the bed and we’ll see about getting you something to eat?” Her voice was comforting yet firm as she helped lay my legs back into the bed and adjusted my bedding for comfort.

After having finished the sparse, bland food provided to me, the doctor arrived to speak with me. I started, trying to sit up as much as possible, practically begging for information.

“Mr. Padalecki, I’m Dr. Monroe.” He offered a friendly smile as he flipped through a file in his hands.

“Where’s my family?”

“Right to it then?” He sighed, standing at the end of the bed. “How about we go over your condition first, and then I’ll answer any questions you have, alright?” I nodded.  _What else could I do?_  Quid-pro-quo it seems.

I barely listened as he went through a myriad of injuries: broken bones, fractures, cuts, scrapes, bruising. According to him, I was lucky to be alive.

“How am I alive? How am I here?”

“The woman, in the other car, she pulled you out to safety. She got the kids out first. Unfortunately, your wife passed shortly after impact. Her internal bleeding…”

I couldn’t hear anything after that.  _My wife, Gen…she was gone_. That’s not possible.

I could hear the Doctor warbling on, but his voice was nothing more than a whine in my ear, like the teacher in Charlie Brown.

“Mr. Padalecki?” I turned to look at him, feeling his hand on my shoulder. “Your children are fine. They’re in the pediatric ward now. Unfortunately, we must keep you under watch for a few more days. Is there someone you can call to pick them up?” I still wasn’t processing everything.

“My friend.” I managed to choke out. I needed my best friend, my brother, I needed Jensen. I gave the doctor his number and watched him leave the room. I stared at the wall for what seemed like forever before I started crying.

* * *

**_Jared’s POV_ **

Jensen didn’t bring me home, knowing it’d break me. Instead, he stopped, gathered up some toys and clothes for the kids, some clothes for me, and made sure to shut everything off. The kids had a habit of leaving things running, and who could ever plan for this?

The ride as we pulled away from the hospital was like pouring salt into an open wound. My kids weren’t with me, and my wife would never be coming home. I couldn’t even cry anymore. I was numb. We’d been by each other’s side since meeting on the show, and now I was supposed to live my life without her? It didn’t seem right.

Knowing that I was in more pain that he’d ever be able to fathom, Jensen said nothing. Hell, I knew he was aching as well. He and Gen were close friends. She wasn’t afraid to give his shit right back to him, and he loved that about her. No more calling me for a ride home from the car to have her answer. No more of her teasing him about his love of pie, no more surprising the kids with a trip out for pizza so she could relax before I got home on those nights I worked late.

Once we reached Jensen’s home, I moved as if I was on autopilot. I reacted to nothing, my hazel eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep and too many tears, my gut eating at me from pain, and having refused to eat. All I could manage was to lay in bed, staring off at nothing, replaying the accident over and over in my mind. Days went by and I barely ate, slept, or showered. Jensen and Danneel took care of the kids. I saw the kids sometimes in the morning or before they went to bed. I’d hug and kiss them but barely uttered a sound. They seemed to be handling things much better than me. Jensen and Danneel had been doing a great job I supposed.

* * *

Jared sat quietly in his chair beside the mahogany coffin. His eyes trailed over it and the abundance of flowers draped across its surface. He was vaguely aware of the pastor reciting something. He was in awe and grateful for the numerous people who showed to his wife’s funeral. But he couldn’t speak, he didn’t want to. He shook hands and nodded as they offered their condolences. Jensen was a rock, managing the preparations, greeting the people, caring for the kids. Jared knew he’d be lost without him. After everyone left, Jared still sat in his chair, staring at the coffin. His mind running over words and speeches, everything he wanted and needed to say to Gen. He stood then, placing a hand on the coffin and sniffling, before looking to the men waiting and nodding. He stepped back as they lowered the coffin into the ground. Jared stood, watching in silence until it hit the bottom. A tug on his hand broke his trance as he turned to see his son Tom.

“Daddy!” Tom whispered in excitement. He pointed far across the cemetery to another service. Jared’s eyes followed his son’s gesture, seeing a woman and a boy standing next to a coffin. “Daddy, is that our angel?” Tom asked. Jared’s brow furrowed as he looked to Tom and up at Jensen.

“She’s the one who pulled you all out. Her husband died in the accident too. Apparently, it’s just her and her son now.” Jensen offered, pulling Tom gently from Jared’s grasp. “I’ll take the kids to the car.” Jensen placed a reassuring hand on Jared’s shoulder. “Take your time.”

As Jensen turned to leave, Tom glanced back at the other service. In a split second, he detached from Jensen and sprinted through the cemetery to the grieving widow and her son. As he arrived, she turned to see the boy and looked up to see Jensen hot on his heels.

“I’m so sorry!” Jensen exclaimed, catching up with Tom. “Tom, leave them alone. It’s time to go.”

“I lost my Mom,” Tom said, looking to the woman. “I miss her. But you saved me and my Dad and my brother and sister.” He paused and hugged her tight before backing away. “Thank you.” He whispered, turning to leave.

Jensen stood in shock, unsure what to do. “Sorry for your loss.” He offered with a sad smile before catching up with Tom. She sighed and took her son’s hand before walking towards her car. She glanced over to see Jared, at his own service, staring at her. She offered a gentle smile which we returned before leaving. Jared wanted to talk to her, to thank her. But he knew he wasn’t in the right frame of mind. He also felt bad, someone who was an angel to his son, who had saved his family, and yet had no one there to support or comfort her. Jared tried to imagine what that would be like if he didn’t have Jensen and everyone else there to support him. If he were being honest, he probably would have curled up in a bottle until his body gave out. He hoped that never happened to her.

* * *

Once the kids were in bed that night, Jensen dragged Jared out back with a couple beers, knowing it was the closest thing to a night out he’d be getting for a long time. However, staying cooped up in the house wasn’t the best for him, either. All that could be heard were the crickets as they sat on the back porch.

It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but Jensen needed his friend out of it. He needed his best friend to at least start coming back to the world of sound. If not for himself, for his kids.

“I think I should keep the kids here for a week or two.” He said out of nowhere. “Distract them, let you really focus on what you need to.” Sipping his beer, he sighed. “Have you come over for dinner, at least.” Jensen was trying to tiptoe around him telling Jared he needed to go home one day. “Maybe go to one of those groups for grieving spouses?” He’d have suggested anything to help his dearest friend.

Jared nodded numbly in response. He wasn’t sure what to say. He knew he didn’t want to go back home, to an empty house with reminders of Gen everywhere. He couldn’t bear it, bear the thought that he would never see her again, never hear her again.

The next morning, a cab dropped Jared off at his home. He paid the fare and turned to face the house, just staring and taking it all in. It didn’t feel welcoming as it usually did. Now, it was just a house. He took a deep breath before walking forward towards the door. He entered the house and closed the door behind him. His breath shuddered as he let his eyes drift through the house. The furnishings Gen had picked. The family pictures on the sofa table behind the couch. The toys still lying about the living area. Jared felt numb, and he was grateful. Better numb than to feel the pain and sorrow and loss.

He went to his room to grab a change of clothes for a shower. He glanced at the king-sized bed and a pang pulled in his chest. He hurriedly looked away, gathered a change of clothes from his dresser, and went into the bathroom. He was grateful for the water running over him as he showered. The warmth eased his stiff muscles as he carefully kept his cast dry. Reaching for his shampoo, he noted all of Gen’s shower items along the shelf. He hesitated, grabbing for her body wash and inhaling the scent. His mind flooded with her and he quickly placed the bottle back on the shelf. He leaned his head against the shower wall, trying to keep himself from falling apart. He quickly left the shower and got dressed, then began to pace the room as his nervous energy grew within him.

Then it was all a blur. He wasn’t really sure what had happened. Just that he was sitting in the middle of his bedroom floor, crying. Gen’s clothes and personal effects both strewn about and haphazardly thrown into plastic bags. His casted leg hurt immensely, his skin burned hot. He was both sad and angry and very confused. He wiped his face, calming his breath, and struggled to stand.

“I need help.” He whispered to himself, nodding to his words. “I need help.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I was nervous about posting this fic. Not just because of RPF, but also because of how deeply personal it is. Not the circumstance, but the loss and turmoil that is endured. My heart, my pain, is on paper. And I’m grateful I can share that. Thank you for all of the comments I’ve received. This part contains collaborations from @reigningqueenofwords and @oneshoeshort. Italics are internal thoughts. I mean no hate or disrespect to any real persons. It’s just a story, plain and simple.

Giving in and admitting you needed help was one thing. Making an effort to get that help was another thing entirely. Grieving seemed to be something that should be private, but Y/N had a little boy depending on her. It was time to set aside her pride and do what she had to do.

That led her to stand at the bottom of the stairs leading to the hospital. After dropping her son off at school, this was her first stop. There was a group there for grieving loved ones- husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, and more. People who knew the pain of loss.

It didn’t make walking up those daunting steps any easier. Taking a deep breath, Y/N closed her eyes and slowly moved forward. She followed the signs in the lobby and hallway, directing her to a meeting room. There were several chairs in a circle, some already occupied by people who were silently shuffling in their seats. Y/N took a deep and calming breath, squeezing her eyes shut and conjuring strength, before taking a seat, empty chairs on either side of her. She was hoping no one would sit beside her. In her weakened emotional state, sitting in such close proximity to another grieving person made her fear her own dam would break.

After what felt like an eternity of waiting, a woman entered, taking a seat amongst the attendees, across from Y/N. She smiled warmly at the group before speaking.

“Hello. My name is Elizabeth Warren and I am a grief counselor here at the hospital. I’d like to start off by welcoming all of you and congratulate you on taking this first, most difficult step toward healing.”

Before she could continue, all heads turned towards the sound of the door closing. A very tall man in a beanie and sunglasses entered, offering a small smile and a muttered apology before taking a seat, one of the only empty ones remaining, besides Y/N. She quickly recognized him as the man she pulled from the car. But she still couldn’t figure out where she knew him from. He glanced at her and she slightly jumped, realizing she was staring.

The session continued with introductions and a few people speaking about their experiences. When the allotted time had passed and the group began to disperse, Y/N was grateful. She hurriedly rose from her seat and left the hospital, eager to get to her car and leave behind the grieving and guilty feelings that were overwhelming her. As she reached her car, she was vaguely aware of shouting coming from behind her. She turned to see the tall man jogging up to her.

“Hi,” he offered, a bit out of breath. **  
**

“Hi,” Y/N responded, confused and timid.

After a long pause, he took a breath to speak again. “Listen, um…I just wanted to thank you…”

Y/N raised a hand to stop him and his brows knitted in confusion. “Don’t, please.” She sighed, turning to climb into her car. He stood in his spot, dumbfounded, watching her pull out of the space and drive away. He wanted to thank her, to talk to her about what had happened and how she was doing. He felt he owed so much to her, for saving him and his children. But he never expected her response. Resolving to try again at the following week’s meeting, he turned and walked to his own car.

* * *

“You look like you could use a drink.” Jensen said, sitting on a lawn chair beside Jared in the backyard, handing him a beer. Jared smiled softly, accepting the bottle and casting his eyes back towards the ground.

Jensen took a long sip, his eyes trained on his friend. “So, how was therapy today?”

Jared’s brow furrowed as he focused his eyes on the bottle in his hands. “Ok, I suppose.” He muttered. “I saw her there.” He added as a side remark.

Jensen’s brows shot up in curiosity. “Saw who exactly?”

“The angel,” Jared smirked to himself, recalling his son’s reference to the woman who saved them.

“You didn’t get her name?”

“No. Um, when they did introductions, some people spoke and others didn’t. She and I didn’t. Actually, we didn’t say anything at all.” He sipped at his beer, contemplating. “I did try to talk to her though. I ran after her, caught up with her at her car. I wanted to thank her but she cut me off and drove off in a hurry.”

Jensen could see the confusion cross Jared’s face. He remained silent, watching his friend, seeing if he would continue talking. It seemed this was the most conversation he had gotten out of him at once since the accident.

“I guess I’ll try again next week.” Jared sighed. Jensen was grateful at least to Jared for attempting to get help and be part of a group. Hearing he intended to return gave him hope that things would get better.

* * *

**_Reader POV_ **

I was kicking myself on that drive home from the hospital. I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I just wasn’t in the mood to talk to the tall man I’d saved. The man who I now recognized as Jared Padalecki.

_Maybe I should’ve been more polite. Maybe I should’ve just let him get his feelings out. How could I’ve been so insensitive? He’s going through his own hell and tried to be nice to me. I suppose it’s neither here nor there. I’ll try again next week._

I pulled up to my house and looked at the time. It wasn’t even noon yet. I sighed, knowing it was going to be at least 2 hours before Liam got home. **  
**

I unlocked the door and walked inside. It took everything I had not to take everything of my late husband’s and pack it all away. But I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do that just yet.

I went to the back porch to smoke. I never really smoked after Liam was born because I didn’t want him to see me. But anytime he would go to bed and stress was mounting on, I’d light one to unwind. I always made sure I had a pack of my favorite brand on hand.

I took a drag of the stale tasting tobacco and sighed, letting the smoke out of my lungs. It didn’t make me feel better, but it did allow me to ponder on my entire life with Brian. The start of our marriage was the stuff of fairy tales. We married under the bright summer sky, everything about the venue was perfect and to mine and Brian’s tastes, and our honeymoon took the two of us on a backpacking hike through Europe.

Then Liam came along. He was the perfect baby, weighing in at 7 pounds, 10 ounces, he rarely cried, was always smiling and giggling, and he looked like the perfect hybrid between me and Brian.

Then Liam turned 2, and that’s when things took a turn. Brian lost his job and we struggled with money as we both tried to find employment. That led to a plethora of fights and arguments. Brian took to drinking to deal while I smoked more. Liam was still the happy-go-lucky kid, I knew him to be, so I was thankful for that. But I felt like my husband and I never really recovered from that.

And now, we never would.

I started crying. I rarely cried, if ever.  _Why do I feel like this could be my chance to finally be happy? I should be a bumbling mess! I just lost my husband! Why am I not sadder?!_ The guilt of feeling free without Brian here made me feel immensely worse. I never hated him, but I wished he would’ve been more supportive sometimes. When I struggled to find work, he berated me for not trying hard enough.  _What could I do?_ The job market sucked and people just weren’t looking for people without specific skills.

When Brian would drink too much, he somehow managed to remember all of my faults and would lay them out on the table loudly for the world to see. It was demoralizing. And I wanted so badly to kick his ass and remind him what a fuck up he was for losing his job in the first place. But that just wasn’t me. I was the supportive wife who always had her husband’s back no matter what.

When I realized that now I wouldn’t have to ever be made to feel less than human again with Brian dead, I cried even more. This wasn’t how my life was supposed to turn out.

Then I heard the familiar sound of a bus stopping a few houses down, and I quickly snubbed out my cigarette and wiped my face. I ran out the front door to greet my son, who threw his little arms around me as I crouched down to pick him up.

“Hi baby,” I smiled into his hair, “How was school? Did you have a good day?”

“Good!” Liam exclaimed, and I set him down to walk him home, holding hands. “I passed my spelling test with a 100!”

“You  _did_? That’s great, son!” I replied with enthusiasm.

“What about you, Mommy?” Liam asked as he opened the door for me. I was very critical about how Liam treated women. “Did you have fun at your meeting?”

“Yeah, baby. I had a good time,” I replied softly. It wasn’t the entire truth, but I hadn’t been upfront about where I was going, to begin with. I’d told Liam that I was going to a place to help me deal with ‘ _daddy being gone_ ’ but I didn’t elaborate.

“That’s good,” Liam replied, making a beeline for the refrigerator for a snack. I was concerned about his lack of grieving. He seemed to be doing just fine. I wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened, but I needed to make sure he understood and was doing okay.

“Liam, Sweetie…can we talk for a minute?” I asked, sitting at the dining table and inviting him to join me. He nodded, taking his seat as he placed his snack before him on the table. I looked him over for a minute, trying to determine where to start.

“Mom, are you okay?” He asked, his concern very evident. I nodded, chuckling a little to myself at the absurdity.

“Yeah, Honey. I was gonna ask you the same thing.” I shrugged, waiting for his response. “You haven’t talked much about Daddy or what happened. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” He muttered, finishing his snack. I knew something had to be on his mind, but I wasn’t going to push him if he wasn’t ready.

“Well, I’m here. Whenever you’re ready, let me know and we can talk, ok?”

“Ok, Mom.” He said. “I’m gonna go play.”

“Alright, Sweetie.” I kissed the top of his head and watched with a heavy heart as he ran to his room to play. He seemed to be doing much better than me and, whether or not I believed that to be true, it still gave me comfort. If I focused on him and his well-being, it would ground me. It would give me a reason to keep moving forward.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is getting harder and harder for me to write, but is somehow cathartic as well. Thank you again for going on this journey with me. I love all of your comments.

Y/N was running late for the meeting. After Liam went to school, she decided to start packing up Brian’s things. Seeing them everywhere, just reminded her of too much. She had buried everything as much as she could, trying to be strong. Strong for Liam, strong for the world. She couldn’t let anyone see what was going on underneath, a churning maelstrom.

Y/N started with clothes, which was fine. She had a hiccup when she found his favorite shirt, strewn carelessly on the floor on his side of the bed. They always fought over that. His clothes always piled on the floor by the bed, never in the hamper a mere two feet away. It suddenly didn’t seem that big of a deal. Clothes seemed like an easy place to start. She picked up the clothes off the floor, packing them into boxes, before clearing out the dresser and moving onto the closet. Once done, she looked around at the boxes, proud that she had accomplished something. She felt exhausted but hadn’t exerted herself that much.

Turning towards the closet, she caught glimpse of an old box. She hesitated, staring at it for a moment, contemplating if she should do this yet. She took a deep breath, pushing everything further down, before deciding to trudge forward.  _I’m here, I’m doing it, might as well get it over with. It’ll be fine._  She took the box from the shelf and walked to the bed, taking a seat and placing it beside her.

She let out a long sigh and shook her shoulders as if ready to settle in. She quickly opened the box and peered inside, gazing at the keepsakes within. She knew what she was looking for.  _Anything that pertains to Brian._ She dove into the box, sorting through and pushing aside items that weren’t part of the mission. Letters, cards, photos, mementos. Her greatest and most emotional memories were sifting through her fingers, ready to be relived again.

Y/N stopped, coming to the first item of Brian’s.  _A letter._  The letter he wrote to say things he couldn’t manage to say when things were bad.  _An apology._  Both a warming and hurtful memory.  _Don’t read it._  She stared at it a while, knowing exactly what it said. She carefully placed it in a box containing Brian’s things and continued her mission. The deeper in the box she went, the further back in time. Her hands slowed, her methods less urgent, as she lingered on certain items, allowing herself to remember. She was happy, reliving the good times. Then she realized it was over.

The new pain seeped in and her hands hurried once more.  _Lies, all lies._  She grew angry, thinking of what they had and how it dissolved. She missed him, she missed her life, she missed being happy. She began tossing the items carelessly into Brian’s boxes, before finishing her task with a huff. She slammed the lid back on the box and tossed it onto the shelf in the closet, not really caring. She glanced around the room, her vision slightly hazy from the anger rush she was having. She saw him everywhere. She moved faster and faster, rapidly packing away items, everything within the bedroom. Her face was red, sweat dripped down her face in waves. Her heart raced. She was furious, but also desperately fighting back the pain that bubbled in the back of her throat like bile. **  
**

Then it was a blur. She collapsed to the living room floor in a heap, exhausted, the house a mess of boxes and items spilled over onto the floor. She started sobbing. The force of letting it out causing the dam to break, and everything she held poured forth with fury. She cradled her head in her hands, loud, ugly sobs tearing from her. She screamed until her voice was raw.  _Why? Why me?! WHAT DID I DO?! Why? WHY?!_  Her sobs were so hard, her whole body shook, snot dripped down her face and she lazily wiped at it as she continued to cry, rocking herself rapidly.

After what seemed like ages, she sat silent. The tears on her face had slowed their pace, crawling now in little subtle drops from her eyes. She was beat red, hot, hair a mess and clinging to her face. Her breathing evened out as she stared off at nothing, silence in her head. She sniffed and shrugged. I guess that’s that. She rose from the floor slowly, her body aching from the force of her cries. She hobbled to the couch and dropped with a thud onto its surface.  _Just need to rest my eyes for a minute._

Y/N had fallen asleep and it had thrown her off schedule. She berated herself. For crying, for her pity-party, for being late when she prided herself on being punctual. For losing control, of herself and the situation.  _Maintain control._

She walked into the meeting, closing the door as quietly as she could, before turning and offering a small apologetic smile to the group. Everyone had the same seats, she noticed. Her eyes found her seat and flickered to Jared beside it. He glanced at her before looking away. She quickly went to the chair and sat, clutching her large bag to her in her lap. She glanced at Jared, who was looking at her. He could tell she’d been crying. A good cry too, it appeared. She seemed more relaxed and tense all at once.  _It’s just her and her son, apparently._  Jared remembered Jensen saying at the funeral. When she met his eyes, he offered a smile.  _He’s trying to communicate._  She suddenly felt panicked.  _I can’t do this. Why did I come here?_

Y/N refused to look at him again. She tried to focus on the others, but she couldn’t focus. She could hear people explaining why they were there, more introductions. But she wasn’t listening. She was in her head. Suddenly it was quiet. She looked up, glancing around at the group to notice everyone looking at her. She sat up straight, still holding her bag close to her.

“I’m sorry,” she croaked.  _Did I say something? Did they ask me a question?_  “I didn’t hear you.” She finally settled on. Several people shuffled in their seats, their faces contorting into pity and concern.  _I look worse than I thought. They know._  She grew angry and defiant at the thought.  _Time to put on the face. You got this. ‘Conceal - don’t feel.’_ She mocked in her head with an internal smile.  _At least I can still make myself laugh._

* * *

**_Jared’s POV_ **

“We didn’t hear an introduction from you last week. We were hoping you might like to speak this week?” Ms. Warren asked, her voice gentle. I found it grating, fake, forced. She was looking at the Angel. I glanced to her, sitting next to me, wondering if she would talk. **  
**

“Um…” She cleared her throat. “My name is Y/N.” She said a little too loudly, smiling at the group. Y/N…I hadn’t imagined that would be her name, but it seemed to suit her. I let it settle in my mind as I watched and listened to see if she’d continue. She glanced at me before settling back in her chair. Ms. Warren nodded, knowing that was all she could get.

“Thank you Y/N. Welcome.” Ms.Warren said, the rest of the group welcoming or mumbling something as well. Ms. Warren turned to me next. “And you? Would you like to introduce yourself today?” She asked me. I glanced from her and back to Y/N. I leaned forward, looking right at her. She met my eyes and I gave her a small smile.

“Jared.” The room heard me, but I wasn’t talking to them. Y/N glanced at me and smiled.  _Progress._ When the meeting had ended, I rose to leave.

“Jared?” I turned to see Y/N, sitting in her chair. The look in her eyes was filled with pain, but determination. I sat back down beside her. “Um…last week…” She started, her eyes dropping. She looked ashamed.

“No, hey, it’s…I get it.” I knew what she was trying to say. But I knew where she was coming from too. I didn’t much want to talk to anyone. I couldn’t imagine she did either. I didn’t want to push her. But I needed to thank her…and apologize.  _I was driving. I wasn’t paying attention. I looked away for one second. It was MY fault._  She was hurt and alone and it was  _my fault_.

“I know that you are going through your own things.” Y/N started, sitting up and looking at me full on for the first time. Her eyes traveled over my face before meeting my eyes. “I’m sorry for my reaction last week. And I’m sorry for your loss.” She choked on the last words, the sob caught in her throat.  _“I tried to save her, I did!_ ” She cried out, the tears flowing. “I’m so sorry!” She covered her mouth with her hand, trying to fight back her tears. My heart broke.  _It’s not your fault._  I reach out slowly to pat her shoulder, let her know it was ok.

“Don’t, please.” Y/N pleaded, jumping from her chair and taking several steps away from me. She wiped her face, calmed her tears. “I’m sorry.” She whispered, before rushing out. I sat there for a while, wondering what had just happened.

* * *

“The kids are asleep.” Danneel stated as she joined Jared and Jensen on the back porch around the fire pit. She handed a beer to each of them, kissing Jensen on the temple before taking a seat beside the pit. “How was the meeting today?” She asked Jared, taking a sip of her own beer.

Jared sat quietly for several moments as he decided what he wanted to say. “Her name is Y/N.” He finally spoke. “The Angel…her name is Y/N.” He fell quiet again, deep in his thoughts.

“Y/N,” Jensen repeated.

“We should maybe put together a care package for her?” Danneel offered to her husband. “A thank you?” Jensen nodded, agreeing it was a nice gesture. “You said she doesn’t have anybody, right?” She whispered. Jensen nodded again, looking at his bottle before drinking. He felt bad for her. **  
**

“I could give it to her.” Jared offered, looking between them. “At the meeting. I could give it to her.”

“Great. I’ll work on getting that together.” She smiled before leaving them alone to talk.

“What about you?” Jensen asked his friend.

“What do you mean?”

“Did you say anything at the meeting today?”

“My name.” Jared looked down at his feet.

“That’s good. That’s really good.” Jensen was encouraging. Small steps were okay, as long as they were steps in the right direction.

* * *

Y/N continued through her routine for the day. After Liam was sound asleep, she sat outside, chain-smoking and halfway through her second bottle of wine. The buzz felt nice but did little to take off the edge. The feelings were still there, the thoughts, lingering like pesky gnats. But she tried to cling to her small accomplishments. She didn’t break down again. She feigned happiness and contentment rather convincingly. When she faltered, she convinced herself she was just tired.  _Long day and all._

Y/N thought back to her darker times, as she called them. Times she had struggled with depression and emotional instability, and her methods for coping.  _Pills_. She always reached for the pain pills, the sleeping pills. They made everything better. They made her numb so it was easier to bury everything, easier to ignore. Until she found something that made her happy again and she could wean off of them. She knew it was a bad decision. She couldn’t afford to let herself go down that path again.

Y/N made her way to bed, going through the motions of her nightly routine. She stood in front of the bathroom mirror, looking herself over. The light in her eyes was gone. They appeared dark and dull. Her skin was pale and blotchy. She knew she was already losing weight, hardly eating anything. Grief was taking its toll.  _No one could know_. No one could know the internal battle she struggled with daily. She couldn’t let them see. Sleep had evaded her since the accident. Every time she closed her eyes, memories flashed in her mind, keeping her awake and in turmoil.

Y/N took a deep breath, determined to fix this, fix herself.  _Fake it til you make it._  She walked to her bedside table, picking up the prescription bottles and reviewing the labels. Sleeping pills and painkillers. The doctor said it would help. He didn’t skimp either, writing a note for ‘the good stuff’. He had prescribed them right after the accident, but Y/N refused to take them. She convinced herself she didn’t need them.  _Am I really going to do this?_ She struggled with the thought, thinking of ways to navigate her pain that might be healthier. After several moments of internal debate, she decided. Taking two of each pill, rather than the one the bottle recommended.  _I just need a little sleep and I’ll feel better. We’re being responsible. We won’t abuse it. Just what we need._  She thought to herself as she lay in bed, letting the euphoria of the pills wash over her. A soft smile graced her lips at the familiar sensation as she let herself drift to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Part 4. Thank you for the support and comments I’ve been receiving. I’m so grateful that you all enjoy the series and are taking this journey with me.

Jared’s mind had been reeling over the past week. He couldn’t shake the blame he felt. He had destroyed his life, his children’s lives, Y/N’s life, her son’s life, and countless others. He was responsible for so much pain and loss. He did this. He couldn’t shake the thoughts from his mind, no matter how much he tried. He kept the thoughts to himself, but Jensen knew something was up. Jared’s whole demeanor changed. He walked slumped, his grooming was questionable at best. He retreated to barely talking again. One step forward, two steps back. Jensen sighed to himself, resolving to get to the bottom of everything.

“Hey.” Jensen walked up to Jared in his room. “You getting ready for the meeting?”

Jared shook his head. “No.” He sighed heavily. “No, I don’t think I’m gonna go.” Jensen grew increasingly concerned.

“Why not? It seemed to be helping.”

“Because!” Jared shouted, turning from Jensen and pacing the room. He grabbed at his head, then pushed his hair back roughly. “Because, I  _did_  this…” He said, looking at Jensen, pointing a finger at himself. “ _I_  caused this. _I_ was driving.  _I_  caused the accident. I  _hurt_ people. And I hurt  _her_.” He sighed, defeated, dropping himself to sit on the end of his bed. “I can’t go back there, seeing how it’s affecting her. I can’t look her in the eye and she won’t let me apologize…”

“Dude, stop. Just stop for a minute, ok?” Jensen said, crouching before his friend. “This isn’t your fault.” He placed a firm hold on Jared’s shoulder, trying to get his point through. Jared scoffed harshly. “I mean it, man. This isn’t your fault. It was an  _accident_.” Jared was quiet and wouldn’t meet his look. “You can’t give up.  _Always Keep Fighting._ Remember?” Jensen was practically pleading with his friend. He needed to work through this, to go to therapy, to process and move forward. He wasn’t pushing a timeline, but he needed to keep moving forward, not back.

Jensen stood then, arms crossed as he looked down at Jared. “I talked to the producers.” He began, Jared showing little interest. “You need to come in for one day. The writer’s decided to ‘kill Sam’. His soul will be caught in Hell.” Jared looked up at Jensen then, clearly confused. “This way you can take a break, take the time you need to focus on you and nothing else.” Jared nodded in understanding.

“When?” He whispered. He was too broken to speak much as it was.

“In two days. We’ll fly up, knock it out, and then you can come back here.” Jensen paused to gauge his reaction. “This way, you won’t miss out on therapy either.”

“I don’t want…” Jared began, growling through clenched teeth.

“You’re going,” Jensen said firmly, but kind. “I’m not gonna let you fall into this slump, this depression. You need help and right now I think this group is the best thing for you.”

Jared glared at his best friend but said nothing.  _He_ would decide if he wanted to go or not. Jensen stood resolute. He knew if he walked away, Jared wouldn’t go.

“Do you want me to go with you today?” Jensen asked. Jared glared at him, jumping from the bed.

“I don’t need a babysitter!” He shouted.

“So you’re fine to go on your own? I don’t mind, really.” Jensen’s tone remained neutral. It seemed to rile Jared even more.

Jared laughed a humorless laugh to himself. Jensen wouldn’t relent. Maybe he could go to the meeting just to get away from him for a while…

* * *

Jared got to the meeting rather early, eager to get out of the house and away from his friends. He knew they loved him, but it was too much. They didn’t understand. He walked into the meeting room, looking forward to a few quiet moments alone before anyone else showed up. As he entered, he saw Y/N, sitting in her chair, nursing a cup of coffee. When she saw him, she sat up straighter, nodding with a smile. He returned the gesture, turning to the table to get his own cup of coffee. It was terrible. But, somehow, necessary. There was always something comforting about a warm beverage.

He walked slowly towards his chair, taking his time and looking around the room, noting posters and pamphlets for various things. Y/N watching him as he paced.

“I can leave if it’s…if I make you uncomfortable.” Y/N spoke up, Jared turned rapidly at the sound of her voice, his brows shot up in surprise.

“What? No.” He insisted, shuffling to take a seat near her, one empty chair providing space between them. “No. You don’t make me uncomfortable.” He whispered, offering that now familiar small smile.

“You’re not mad at me?” She asked, shocked.

“Mad at you?” Jared asked. He was genuinely confused. How could he be mad at her? How could he feel anything but awe and appreciation for her? For what she had done? “I couldn’t…no. No.” He adjusted his seat, giving her his full attention and setting his cup on the floor beside him. “You  _saved_  me and my family. You saved all of us.”

“But I didn’t…”

“No!” Jared raised a hand, stopping her, his voice a little louder than he intended in the empty room. “Don’t,  _please_. You did all you could and then some. I don’t blame you for anything.” He dropped his gaze to his hands. “If anything, I wouldn’t blame  _you_ for hating  _me_.” He added, barely audible.

Y/N moved to speak, just as others started entering the room. Jared quickly grabbed his cup, taking his seat beside Y/N as others claimed their own familiar chairs. Jared nodded at them as they entered, before noticing Y/N’s eyes never left him. She was staring, her expression hard as if she was studying something. He leaned back in his chair and slightly towards her.

“Why are you staring at me?” He whispered, trying to resolve their discussion.

“I’m trying to figure out why I should hate you.” Jared rolled his eyes.

“Really?” Jared was surprised and angry, he wasn’t sure why. She should hate him for what he’d done. Maybe she wasn’t very bright…

“No, no, I’m serious. I mean, help me out here, ‘cause I can’t seem to figure it out.” She said, still confused and adjusting per position to face him more. Everyone settled into their seats and Ms. Warren began her welcoming spiel. Y/N and Jared sat in silence, pretending to listen and care. Y/N kept glancing at Jared and he clenched his jaw in frustration.

“Why do you feel like I should hate you?” Y/N prodded again.

“Because this is my fault.” He whispered harshly. Y/N’s face showed utter surprise at his statement.

“Your fault? I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” She spoke, now above a whisper.

He adjusted his seat, sitting up straight, setting his cup at his feet. This wasn’t how he wanted to do this, but so be it. She’s clearly stubborn and persistent. “I caused this!” He said, his voice now catching the attention of the rest of the room. The room quieted as all eyes turned to Jared and Y/N. But they were oblivious as they continued talking.

“Are you talking about the accident? Jared…it was an  _accident_.” She emphasized.

“I was driving!” He jumped from his seat, towering over her and shouting. “I was driving and I glanced in the mirror at the kids and then I looked at my wife…” He wiped a hand over his mouth as he paused, trying not to cry. “I wasn’t paying attention. I hit your car. I killed Gen and your husband because I…I…” He started choking on his words, angry and sad all at once. Y/N jumped from her chair.

“Jared, no.” She pleaded with him. “Things happen sometimes. Ok? Accidents are called accidents for a reason. You can’t blame yourself for this!” She stood before him, searching his face. He was falling apart and, being who she was, she felt she needed to be strong, to help him through. She didn’t blame him in the slightest. She felt bad for him, for what he was going through. She could handle the pain. She was used to it. But he couldn’t and needed someone to be strong for him. So, as usual, she found a new reason to bury her own grief, to focus her energy on someone else.  _I’ll deal with myself later._

“You mean that, don’t you?” Jared asked, the tears starting to leak against his will.

“I do.” She motioned back to his chair. “Here, sit.” She rummaged through her bag, offering him some tissues. He took them gratefully.  _She really is an Angel._

The group began to clap, lead by Ms. Warren, drawing Y/N and Jared’s attention back to them. They had completely forgotten anyone else was there. Jared felt disdain, his anger and discomfort growing.

“That was an excellent example of letting yourself feel.” Ms. Warren offered. “We can get angry at times, blame ourselves. It’s important to process these things as part of our healing.” Several in the group nodded, some offered condoling smiles. Jared mumbled to himself. “Did you have more to share today?” She asked Jared.  _No, I don’t._ His anger grew more and more, he started shaking his leg, bouncing his knee nervously. He glared at Ms. Warren. He did not like this woman. She waited, expectantly.  _Why is everyone so insistent?_

He sat forward in his chair, still glaring at her. “I don’t like this. I don’t want to be here.” He started. Ms. Warren nodded in understanding.

“I understand. Sometimes…” Jared cut her off, his anger full blown.

“You wanted me to share? I’ll share!” His tone was threatening and the whole room seemed to recoil from his large and furious form. “I  _killed_ my wife.” He said plainly. “I killed my wife. I killed  _her_ husband!” He pointed at Y/N and she recoiled from him. “I’ve ruined lives! I  _deserve_  to feel this way.” He paused, then turned to Y/N. “But you don’t. You’re hurt and alone, because of  _me_.” Y/N felt her exterior facade start to crack. She couldn’t handle it. The attention, the topic. She had to get out of there before she too had an outburst.  _Don’t let them see. They can’t know._

“It’s fine. I’m fine, really.” Y/N said, clutching her bag to her, contemplating running for the door.

“You’re fine?!” Jared snapped. “Look at you! I’ve only known you for a few weeks, but I can tell you’re not sleeping or eating. You hide it under makeup and your clothes don’t fit. I DID THIS TO YOU!” He shouted at her and she flinched.  _He knows. I have to leave._

“I’m sorry.” She muttered, grabbing her things and running out the door.

“Shit,” Jared muttered to himself, jogging after her, his casted leg slowing him down. He fought through the pain and forced himself through it. He caught up to her as she reached her car. “Y/N, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” He said, out of breath. She nodded and went to climb in her car. He placed a hand on the door, slamming it shut and blocking her from leaving.

“Move.” She stated firmly, fire in her eyes.

“No, just, listen,  _please_.” Y/N crossed her arms over her chest and leveled him with a hard look. Jared took that as a sign to continue. “This whole thing has left me a complete mess. And my friends, Jay and Dani…I couldn’t do this without them. They take care of the kids, of me. If I didn’t have them…” He shook his head, trying to avoid the dark thoughts of that scenario.

“I told you, I’m fine.”

“You have someone to help you? To talk to?” Jared asked, his voice softer.  _Please say you do._

“I can take care of myself.” Jared’s heart dropped at her words.

“Please, just…you can’t do this alone.”

“You know nothing about me or what I can or can’t do!” Y/N went from defense to offense, pointing her finger hard in his chest. “I don’t blame you for any of this. I don’t even  _think_  about you in the equation. I’m sorry that you’re struggling, and that’s understandable. But I. AM. FINE!”

“But not really…” Jared whispered sadly, moving away from the car. Y/N immediately climbed in. Before she could slam the door, Jared offered her a piece of paper. “Look, I half expect you to throw this away. But if you need someone to talk to,  _please_ , just…call, or text. Whenever.” Y/N reluctantly took the paper, glancing at the number and back to him. He let the door close and watched her pull off. He hoped she would be ok.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Part 5. I sat on Skype with @winsister91 and talked to her about what was going on in my life recently as I wrote parts 4, 5, and 6 in one sitting. It was good, I needed it. I feel as though every time I get close to that final step of acceptance, I go back to square one, starting my process all over again. I’m hoping writing this will help me get through.

Jared was exhausted. He had to put his acting skills to the test on set, trying to film an episode where Sam dies and goes to Hell. He knew it was necessary.  _The show must go on._  But it wasn’t where he wanted to be. His head, his heart, just wasn’t in it. All day long, he worked, shooting and reshooting scenes. He couldn’t remember a day ever seeming so long, especially on set. He loved his job, but right now, he couldn’t be bothered with it, couldn’t care.

They were shooting the final scene of the day, having already shot it four times. The director was persistent; just one more shot.

“I can’t do another shot. I’m tired, I’m done.” Jared pleaded to the director behind the camera.

“I understand, Jared.” He said, patting him on the shoulder. “Maybe just once more, make sure it’s as good as it can be? Then we’ll call it a day.”

“What’s wrong with what we already have?” Jared seethed through clenched teeth. His fists balled at his sides.

“Nothing. But it would be nice to see if we can get just a little more authentic response to the situation. I think if we…” The director was cut short, Jared having punched the set camera to his right, very suddenly.

“I’m done,” Jared stated, storming off of set to his trailer. He flopped on his couch, elbows on his knees as he cradled his head. His hand stung. He hissed as he pulled his right hand into view. He flexed his fingers and knuckles as he winced, noting the broken flesh and oozing blood. It didn’t seem broken but hurt like all Hell. He shook his hand, trying to shake out the pain.

He pulled out his phone to text Jensen, letting him know he was ready to leave. As he opened his phone, he saw a text from an unknown number.

**_Jared? It’s Y/N. I was hoping you could talk?_ **

Y/N. She reached out. He looked at the text, seeing it was sent about 3 hours before. Shit. He immediately texted back, hoping she was ok.

**_Y/N, hey. Sorry, I was filming on set and didn’t get your message until just now. I’m here, though, if you still need to talk._   
**

He sent the message and waited, staring at his phone. Hopefully, she would respond. Within moments, his text went off again. Another message from her.

**_Hey, thanks. I’m good now. Sorry to interrupt._ **

**_No, you weren’t interrupting. I can talk now, really._ **

Several minutes went by with no reply. He could see the message marked as read, so she had received it. But she chose not to respond. Jared suddenly felt worse, like he could do nothing right.

Y/N glanced at the message from Jared and scoffed.  _He’s just being nice. Stop bothering him._ She elected not to text him back, now in a drunken stupor, the vodka and pain pills making her melt into the couch. She managed to make arrangements for Liam, having someone watch him for the weekend. She intended to spend that time in her own pity-party, using whatever she could to feel numb.

* * *

Jared had texted Y/N a few times over the next couple of days. She hadn’t responded to any of them. After a day, she stopped even reading them. He was worried about her.  _What if something happened? What if she did something?_  He was grateful it was therapy day. He hoped to see her, see that she was ok, and let her know he was there if she needed someone.

Jared was in a hurry to leave. He wanted to get to therapy a little early, hoping Y/N would be there and they could talk like before. He tucked the care package that Jensen and Danneel had put together in his car before heading off to the meeting. As Jared pulled up to the hospital, he didn’t see her car anywhere. The parking lot was pretty full, so he figured she might have parked elsewhere. He exited the car, leaving the care package inside to provide to her after the meeting, then walked inside.

When he got to the meeting room, he noticed everyone was there, ready to start. Except for Y/N. Her empty chair concerned him as he took his seat. He quickly pulled out his phone to see if she had messaged him, but there was nothing.

**_Y/N, everything ok? You’re not at the meeting._ **

Jared continued checking his phone throughout the meeting, barely hearing what anyone was saying. His message went unread. His worry grew. He drove to Jensen’s after the meeting. He always joined them for dinner on meeting nights. To see the kids, to eat, to ‘check-in’ with his friends on how he was doing. After dinner, they moved to the back porch, as usual, to enjoy a beer and talk.

“So, did you give the package to Y/N today?” Jensen asked.

“No. She wasn’t there. And she hasn’t been answering my texts.” Jared held his phone in his hand, as he had all day, as if he started at it long enough he could will her to answer.

“You’re texting now?” Jensen asked, a little surprised.

“I gave her my number last week. She has no one, she’s doing this alone. As if that weren’t enough, I did this to her. I just wanted to help, to give her someone to talk to. I can see, she hasn’t been sleeping or eating, she’s losing weight.” He looked up at Jensen, pain filling his eyes. “She’s not doing well, Jay.” **  
**

Jensen nodded, taking in all the information. He could tell how worried his friend was about her. If he were being honest, he was starting to worry a bit too.

“When did you last hear from her?” Jensen inquired.

“About four days ago,” Jared mumbled.

“Maybe I could message her.” Jensen offered, shrugging as though it was no big deal. Jared considered his offer before shaking his head.

“No. She might get upset that I gave out her number.” Jared sighed in defeat. “I’ll just keep trying.”

* * *

A few days later, Jared was at home with Jensen. Jared insisted he needed to pack up anything that belonged to Gen, reminded him of her. Clothes, keepsakes, personal items were all boxed up and placed in the basement. Bigger things, such as furniture items, were given to local charity organizations. Jared needed to remove all aspects of Gen from his presence. He couldn’t bear it, day in and day out. Some items, like photos, were kept handy. The kids had some in frames in their rooms. Jared had several stashed in his nightstand for quick access and reminiscing. The house looked less like a home. Key furniture was missing, such as the couch, and other items, leaving the house looking more like a bachelor pad instead of a family home. There were clearly “holes” in the home, which mimicked the holes in his heart.

As he and Jensen sat, enjoying a cold beer after a long day, Jared’s phone went off. He pulled it from his pocket and choked a little when he saw it was a message from Y/N.

“Is that her?” Jensen asked. Jared nodded in response, clicking to open the message.

**_Hey, sorry. I’ve been busy._ **

After nearly a week of not hearing anything, Jared was hoping for a little more.

“What did she say?” Jensen pushed.

“Just…’sorry, been busy’.”

“Are you gonna respond? I can give you a minute.” Jensen offered, standing. Jared nodded at him and Jensen walked away, busying himself in the kitchen. Jared stared at the phone, trying to determine what to say.

**_Are you ok?_ **

An instant response.

**_Yeah, I’m ok. As good as I can be, I guess. : )_ **

Jared didn’t believe a word. He was concerned, more than, but he didn’t want to push her. She was fragile and he knew there was more she wasn’t saying. **  
**

**_Sorry about missing the meeting last week. I had some stuff come up. But I’ll be there tomorrow. : )_ **

**_Ok, I’ll see you then._ **

Jared sat back and sipped at his beer.  _Gen would be better at this than me. She would handle this better. God, I’d give anything to have her back._  A tear streaked from his eye and he quickly wiped it away, thinking of all the ways Sam and Dean could manage to get loved ones back.  _If only it worked that way._

* * *

Jared was relieved to see Y/N at the meeting. She offered him a lovely smile before taking her seat beside him. Her eyes were red and glassy, but she looked a little better.

“Hey.” Y/N said to Jared as she sat down. Jared was taken aback, smelling alcohol wafting off her breath.

“Are you drunk?” Jared whispered, concerned. She shrugged with a grin and turned her attention to the meeting. Jared sat in stunned silence.  _Had she driven here? How drunk was she? It’s the middle of the day. Where’s her son?_ A million questions and thoughts swam through his mind. He watched as Y/N sipped from her travel mug. Odd, she never brought her own coffee to the meeting before.

After the meeting, he stopped her as everyone was leaving the room.

“Hey, are you alright?” He inquired, his face pinched with concern. Suddenly, his own problems didn’t exist.

“Yeah, sure.” She shrugged again, taking the last sip from her mug. “Doing great.” She smiled again and though it was a bright and friendly smile, her eyes were dark and empty. She was far from ok.

“Maybe we could get some coffee?” Jared offered. “Sober up a bit.”  _He knows._ And now she knows he knows. Her smile fell and a moment of shame crossed her face before the smile plastered back on.

“Coffee sounds good. I love coffee!” She exclaimed, walking away towards the parking lot. Jared noticed she walked a little off-kilter, but nothing too obvious. He wasn’t about to let her drive anywhere. As they reached the parking lot, she walked towards her car. “So, where to? I can follow you.” She offered with a smile, looking up at him. He pursed his lips in a small frown.

“I don’t think you should be driving.” He whispered, trying not to offend her. “How about I drive and after, I can give you a lift back to your car?” She seemed to consider this a moment before nodding in agreement.

“Ok.” She offered meekly.

The ride to the local coffee shop was short but quiet. Neither of them said a word. As Jared parked the car, they both exited, walking into the shop. They ordered their drinks and sat at a table by the window. Y/N opted for several espresso shots in her coffee. He watched as she removed a prescription bottle from her purse, emptied three large white pills into her hand, and shot them back with a chase of her coffee.

“Still have some pain from the accident.” She offered with a small smile. The accident had been two months prior. If she was still having pains, she must have been injured pretty badly. Pills, alcohol, mass coffee consumption. Jared quickly realized she was taking anything she could to numb the pain, and then chasing with coffee to keep her moving. He supposed if he was all alone, he would be in the same place. It was only by the grace of God and the support he was receiving that he even managed to make it day to day. But she was alone, and it was taking its toll.

“So,” Jared began, trying to force his own smile. “How are…things.” He asked awkwardly.

“Fine, I guess. As good as can be expected.” She shrugged again, hiding behind her rather large coffee. She glanced out the window, staring at seemingly everything and nothing all at once. Jared had to fight the urge to argue. He knew she wasn’t ok. But pushing her would only make things worse. He opted instead to make her feel like she wasn’t alone in all of this.

“That’s good. I haven’t been doing so well.” He offered. Her attention turned back to him, focusing as he spoke. She leaned forward on the table, giving him her rapt attention. He took a breath and continued. “I miss her. Everyday. And some days I feel ok like I can do this. Other days, I can’t manage to move without a significant effort.” She nodded in understanding before seeing his hand, wrapped in a bandage.

“What happened there?” She asked, motioning to his hand with a nod. He pulled up his hand, examining it, before wrapping his fingers back around his coffee.

“Uh…yeah. Had a disagreement at work.” He smirked.

“You didn’t hurt anyone, did you?”

“No,” he laughed. “No, just a really expensive set camera.” He looked up at her then, sheepishly. “I haven’t been handling things so well. I’ve been angry, snapping at people around me. I barely interact with my kids anymore.” He sighed. “I did manage to pack up her things though. Out of sight, out of mind, hopefully.” He shrugged before taking a long drink of her coffee.

“Yeah, it’s not easy.” She agreed, sitting back in her seat. “It’s good that you have that support to help you through though.”

“And you?” Jared asked quietly. “Do you have…anybody?”

“I have Liam.” She smiled, then furrowed her brow as she pursed her lips. “That’s enough.”

“I am grateful to have my kids too. But,” He paused, licking his lips and trying to find the best words. “You have to take care of them. You have to look out for them. Who’s looking out for you?” He met her eyes, his sorrow evident.

“I can take care of myself. Been doing it for a long time.” She responded, looking down at her coffee. “I’m used to it.”

Jared reached out, his injured right hand covering her left on the table. “You don’t have to, Y/N. I mean it. I’m here, anytime. Just…just let me know and I’ll be there. It’s the least I can do.” She smiled but didn’t say a word.

“Listen, um, my friends, Jensen and his wife Danneel. They put together a care package of sorts for you. Just a little ‘thank you’ for what you did.” He smirked and chuckled. “My son, Tom, he calls you The Angel. We’ve all taken to it, actually.” **  
**

“I’m no angel.” She said, sitting up straight and staring intently at her cup.

“You are to us.” He whispered. He removed his hand, sitting back and taking a breath. Y/N looked at her phone, noting the time.

“I’m sorry, I have to go. I didn’t realize we’d been here for an hour.” She stood, gathering her things.

“Right,” Jared said, rising from his seat. “I’ll take you back to your car.”

They arrived back at the hospital, Jared escorting Y/N to her car with the care package under his arm. He placed it gently in the back seat and closed the door.

“Thank you. And thank Jensen and Danneel for me too. It’s really not necessary.”

“Y/N,” Jared huffed. “It’s ok to ask for help, to receive help, to need help. You know that, right?” She nodded again, looking down at her feet. “Do me a favor?” He asked. “Text me when you get home, just so I know you got there ok.” She nodded again, before climbing in her car. Jared closed the door and watched her drive off before heading home himself. As he pulled into the driveway, his phone chimed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Part 6. Thank you so much to those that have been commenting and reaching out. I’m so glad that you appreciate this story. Thank you for taking this journey with me. I am more grateful than I can ever express.

A couple of months had passed. Jared and Y/N had made a habit of going to the coffee shop after their weekly meetings. He looked forward to it each week. He felt comfortable with Y/N. They would talk, about their situation, about their thoughts and feelings, about their lives. Sometimes it was heartfelt and painful. Sometimes it was uplifting, looking to the future. But it was always valued, appreciated.

Jared quickly learned a lot about Y/N. She was very forthcoming about herself and her life. She hadn’t had the easiest life. And her issues in her relationship didn’t help with the guilt she felt over his loss. She berated herself. She beat herself up. She was lonely and struggling. She never said as much, but he knew. He could read between the lines. He found it easy to read her, connect with her. It was effortless and that was comforting. Their conversations flowed like water and he was grateful. He was grateful to have someone who understood. Jensen, Danneel, everyone else empathized. But Y/N…she understood. It was different. And he was grateful to call her a friend, one of his best and closest, even in such a short amount of time.

Y/N helped him process his thoughts and feelings. She was smart, wise. She could read people and adapt herself to them and the situation. She always knew what to say, what to do. Jared wanted to help her, needed to help her. He wasn’t sure why, really. He was drawn to her. Her sorrow reached out to him, begging for recognition and release. And he couldn’t ignore it. They spent most of their time talking about him, his thoughts and feelings. She didn’t really share herself that much unless to relate an applicable story, or to show how she genuinely understood because she had been there. But she was still closed off, still alone.

“So, listen,” Jared began, shifting in his seat and clinging to his now empty coffee cup. “This weekend, Jensen is having a barbeque. He’s invited quite a few friends over.” He paused, trying to gather his courage. “Would you like to come? You can bring Liam.”

Y/N seemed to mull over the idea. “I don’t know. I don’t really know anyone.” She shrugged, shrinking back into herself.

“You’d know me.” Jared offered with a smile. “Besides, it would be nice to have a friend by my side. I’m sure there will be a lot of condolences and I’m not really sure I could handle all of that.”

“But Jensen and Danneel will be there. I’m sure they can help you, be there for you.”

“It’s not the same,” Jared stated, perhaps a little too quickly. “Please. For me.” He flashed her his ‘Sam puppy eyes’ and she scoffed.

“Really? With the eyes?” She laughed. A genuine chuckle and Jared smiled, knowing he brought that reaction from her.

“I can pick you and Liam up Saturday, around five?” Y/N seemed to hesitate as she thought it over.

“Um…yeah, ok.” She finally responded, causing Jared to grin widely against his will.

“Ok, great.” Y/N gave him her address and they parted, agreeing to see each other again when he picked her up for the barbeque.

* * *

Jared stood in his room before the long mirror, gazing at his reflection. A pile of discarded shirts lay on the bed behind him as he examined his attire. This was his first real gathering since Gen had passed. She always did this for him, helped him pick out what to wear. He wasn’t really good at that sort of thing on his own.

He couldn’t wear the first shirt, because Gen bought it for him on a whim while she was shopping. Remembering her smile as she offered him the unexpected gift made him smile, then hurt as he quickly shed it. The next few shirts didn’t fit right, didn’t look right, the color was wrong or was too casual or too formal. He sighed in frustration, before settling on his current shirt. A basic light blue button down, untucked, with dark jeans.

Jared noted the time, 4:45 pm. He silently cursed himself as he knew he’d be running late to get Y/N and her son. He picked up his phone, sending a quick text that he was en route, before hopping in his car and driving over. Y/N lived clear across town, in a neighborhood he’d never visited before. The homes seemed older, much older. The neighborhood looked rundown and forgotten. He pulled into the driveway of her house and parked the car before getting out. He could hear sirens in the near distance. A feeling of unease settled over him. He shook it off and walked to the door, knocking firmly. He heard scuffling inside before the porch light turned on, blinding him.

“Who is it?” A child’s voice rang.

“Um, it’s Jared.” He said, waiting. He heard several locks on the door being released in sequence, before the door opened, revealing a young child. Jared smiled softly at him. “You must be Liam,” Jared said, offering his hand. Liam shook his hand, then stepped aside, allowing Jared to enter. Liam closed the door and threw closed the locks once more. Jared had never seen so many locks on one door.

The interior was small, sparsely furnished, but clean. Liam resumed his seat on the couch, picking up his controller to continue his game.

“My Mom will be down in a minute. She’s still getting ready.” He said, eyes never leaving the television. Jared glanced around, taking in his surroundings. He noted family pictures on the walls, Liam throughout his life, pictures of him and Y/N together. Nothing of Brian, though, he noted. He supposed she had packed him away as he did with Gen. Jared felt a pang in his chest at the thought of Gen. It was happening less frequently, but still hurt as strong.

Jared wandered through the living room, gazing at the photos, before finding himself in the small dining room. The table was littered with paperwork. As he glanced down, he noticed piles of bills, all marked ‘Past Due’ or ‘Final Notice’. One of which appeared to be a mortgage notice. Before he could investigate further, he heard the sounds of someone approaching from the hallway. He quickly returned to the living room as Y/N came into view. She was wearing a simple green wrap dress with short sleeves, that flowed to her knees. Her Y/H/C hair was down, makeup done subtly. His heart skipped a beat at the sight of her and it unnerved him.  _What the hell was that?_ His discomfort grew as he thought about it, and he quickly shook it from his mind.

“Hi.” She smiled. “Sorry I took so long.”

“No, it’s fine. Sorry I was late.” They stood in silence, just looking each other over for a moment. “Uh, so…ready to go?” Jared cleared his throat, looking between her and Liam.

The car ride was quiet, as it usually was between them. But it was a comfortable silence. Jared pulled up to Jensen’s house and Y/N and Liam looked out the car windows at the house with amazement.

“Mom, it’s huge!” Liam exclaimed, jumping from the backseat and eager to go inside. “Do they have an elevator?” He asked Jared, who couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled forth.

“No, no elevator.” Liam seemed disappointed as he walked toward the front door. Jared opened the door, gesturing for Y/N and Liam to enter. The moment they walked in, several children bombarded Jared with hugs and happiness. He nearly fell over from them tackling his knees. After a quick introduction, Liam was led away by the other children to play and be merry. Jared was suddenly jealous of their ability to find happiness in anything.

Danneel walked up then, enveloping Jared in a warm hug. She turned to Y/N.

“You must be Y/N.” She smiled a warm smile that suddenly made Y/N feel at ease. She immediately felt the kindness wafting off of her, and remembered the care package she had assembled.

“It’s nice to meet you.” Y/N said, offering her hand. Danneel glanced at her hand before reaching forth and hugging Y/N as she had Jared.

“Thank you,” Danneel whispered to her as she pulled away. “Jensen’s out back with everyone else. Come on.” She led them through the house. Y/N glanced around, taking everything in. She felt somewhat uncomfortable, out of her element. A place like this was something she could only dream of if she ever dared. She was afraid to touch anything, lest she might taint it with herself.

Danneel offered introductions, Jared knowing most of the people, but haven’t having seen them in a while. As expected, several people offered their condolences. The interactions were quickly wearing on him and Y/N could tell. Just as Jared noticed her increasing discomfort and attempts to distance herself. After eating, Jared excused himself and beckoned Y/N to join him. They walked around, sitting on the front step, and sipped on their drinks.

“It’s a bit much, isn’t it?” Jared laughed, breaking the silence. Y/N just hummed in response. “I can take you home if you’d like.”

“No, it’s fine. You need this. Need to mingle and reconnect. It’s good for you.”

“I guess.” He shrugged. “Thank you, for coming and being here. Just seems to make it easier.” The silence continued for several moments as Jared juggled in his mind a way to talk to Y/N about her situation. “So, I don’t mean to pry, but I was wondering how you’re doing. How are things going for you?”

“As good as they can be, I guess.” She stated. Jared nodded.

“And how’s work?” He continued. Her head dropped then. “Didn’t work out?” He asked softly. She shook her head in response, becoming visibly tense. “I don’t mean to pry, it’s just…,” He let out a long slow breath. “I saw the bills on the table.” Her eyes shot to his, a fire starting to burn within them.

“That’s none of your business. I’m fine. We’re fine.” She tried to brush it off, but Jared wouldn’t give up.

“Do you have help? You could lose your house. Where will you go?”

“I don’t know!” She shouted. “Can you just… _not_?!”

“Look,” He turned to her, ensuring he had her full attention. “Hiatus will be over soon. I need to go back to work and Jensen does too. Danneel has been great, but she can’t take care of two households and all of the kids on her own.” He paused, gathering the courage to continue. “I was thinking that maybe you and Liam could stay at my house.” Y/N began shaking her head and pulling from him. He captured her hands in his own before continuing. “I need the help. I can’t take care of the kids and house on my own and I can’t keep asking Jay and Dani to do it for me. You’d be doing me a great favor.” She glared at him but relaxed slightly.

“I’ll think about it.” She finally stated, pulling herself from him. He was determined to help her but knew she was too stubborn to accept the help. He knew he needed help too, and having Y/N around would make things easier. He knew she would never accept his help if he offered it as help for her. He had spoken with Jay and Dani earlier and they all agreed it would be a good idea as well. Now, they just needed to convince her of that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I don’t know a whole lot about Danneel. But from what I do know or have seen others say, she comes across to me as a strong and loving individual. And if it comes to her family and loved ones, she’d probably be one of the fiercest beings in existence. So I have portrayed that, the way I believe someone like her would handle this situation.

Y/N had managed to avoid the topic of moving for over a month. Every time Jared brought it up, she’d say she was still thinking about it. He worried about her. She seemed to be doing worse and worse. She went to the weekly meetings and kept their after meeting coffee rendezvous. They even managed several playdates for all of the kids. Any time Jared needed to talk, he turned to her, and vice versa. He leaned less and less on Jensen and Danneel. He still talked to them, shared with them. But the details, the tiny things that no one else could understand, those he shared with Y/N alone.

He grew accustomed to the ‘Good Morning’ and ‘Goodnight’ texts and the occasional long-winded phone calls. Shortly after the barbeque at Jensen’s, they talked for hours about their spouses, their belongings, and letting go. It was time, they agreed, to let it go. They couldn’t move on if they held on so tightly. So they made a pact to let it go together. It would be easier that way.

That night, Jared went home and with Jensen’s help, got rid of all of the boxes and items he kept in the basement that belonged to Gen. He kept only essentials, such as photos and keepsakes. Everything else he let go. He cried nearly the whole time. There were moments where he fought with Jensen, desperately trying to take the boxes back from him, but Jensen wouldn’t give in. It was hard, one of the hardest things he ever had to do. But he had to do it. He fell asleep that night, crying on the phone with Y/N. She seemed to take it better than he had. But he was grateful he wasn’t alone. In a way, it made him feel more connected to her. To have shared such a significant moment.

He recounted the experience in therapy. The group had clapped and cheered for him. He was proud, he was making progress. Y/N didn’t speak or interact much in the meetings, but he was still grateful to have her there. In fact, she didn’t talk much about her or her life at all. They really just focused on him.

But today, nearing the six month anniversary of the accident, Jared felt weak. He needed his friend. Wondered if she was feeling the same. He checked his phone and was surprised to not have any messages. He sent her a quick ‘Good Morning’, before carrying on about his daily routine. After a couple of hours of not hearing back, he decided to call, but there was no answer. His worry was starting to make him sick, knowing that Y/N was still delving into dangerous coping mechanisms. He made up his mind to drive to her house and check on her.

When he arrived, he saw her car, but no one answered. He tried the door and it was unlocked, unusual as she always locked it.

“Y/N? Are you here?” Jared shouted into the house. No response. He closed the door behind him and searched through the house, trying to find her. He saw more bills piled on the table, several empty glass bottles in the trash bin. He grew more panicked as he walked through the house, calling out to her. He found his way to her bedroom and was shocked at the mess inside. The bed was a wreck, sheets were thrown every which way. Clothes were strewn about the floor. Her nightstand was covered in used tissues, several prescription bottles, empty liquor bottles. He grew angry. He knew she wasn’t completely ok, but he had no idea it was this bad.

“Y/N?!” He shouted once more before hearing a noise from the basement. He made his way down the steps cautiously, finding Y/N sitting on the floor crying, several boxes opened around her. As he drew near, he could see photos of Brian, clothes, keepsakes. Then it dawned on him. They’d made a pact, to let go together…and she lied.

“Y/N.” Jared groundout. He was trying to remain calm, a flurry of emotions flooding him. She jumped from her seat, tears streaking her face.

“Jared.” She breathed in shock. He looked her over and then again at the boxes.

“What happened to letting go?”

“I-I just…couldn’t.”

“You said you did!” He started shouting. “I did! And I thought we did it together but you…” He ran his hands through his hair, desperately trying to ground himself. “You lied to me. And you made me do this alone while you pretended to be there, to understand.”

“No!” She pleaded, Jared, taking a few steps from her as she advanced. “No, Jared. Please. I tried, I did! I just…I’m not as strong as you.” She was crying heartily. All Jared could feel was betrayal and disappointment. He had to go, to leave before he said or did something that he’d regret. He ran from the house and drove off in a hurry, leaving Y/N crying in her basement amongst her things.

* * *

Jared struggled with his emotions as he sat at the hospital. It was meeting day, but he wasn’t there for the meeting. Instead, he sat in a chair in a room in the ER, staring at Y/N unconscious in bed. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there, hours, maybe days. He had got a phone call the day after leaving Y/N’s house. He was hesitant to answer her call, but he had to. He said he would be there for her and no matter how angry and hurt he was, he worried. But when he answered, it wasn’t Y/N’s voice on the other end of the line.

_“Yeah?” Jared asked, his tone clipped._

_“Jared?” Liam’s voice rang through the phone. Jared’s demeanor immediately shifted, hearing the shaking voice of the child on the other line._

_“Liam? What’s wrong? Where’s your Mom?” Jared tried to remain calm, but his own panic crept in. He looked to Jensen, sitting beside him._

_“She won’t wake up.” Liam’s voice shook as he tried to fight back tears. Jared sprang from his seat, motioning Jensen to follow him._

_“I’m coming right now. Stay on the phone with me, ok?” As they drove, Jared talked to Liam, trying to keep him calm. Jensen called 911 as he drove well beyond the speed limits to rush to Y/N’s house, Jared providing directions as they went._

Dehydration, malnutrition, accidental overdose, alcohol poisoning. The doctor listed off every ailment that was plaguing Y/N. Essentially, she pushed herself too hard and too far, her body suddenly collapsing from the strain. Jared berated himself. He saw the signs, he knew what was happening. But he didn’t stop it, and he left her to deal with it on her own. His guilt twisted his insides into something unrecognizable as he continued to sit and stare at her in the bed, willing her to wake up.

He was finally starting to heal from the loss of Gen, to deal with it. But now, nearly losing Y/N, he felt it all over again. Not just for Gen, but for her too. She meant more to him than he realized. She had grown to be a cornerstone of his life. He was healing because of her, because of her help, her guidance, her light. But he had no idea that she was taking whatever strength she had and fed it into him, leaving nothing for herself. He couldn’t lose her, not her too. The guilt and pain of it all made everything fresh. But he was determined to be strong, to be there for her. He would give back that strength to her if it was the last thing he did. She deserved that much. She meant that much.

Jensen and Danneel took the reigns. Jared tried to argue, but Danneel was adamant. Her friends, her family, was hurting and crumbling, and she wouldn’t tolerate it. So she took control, she made decisions and provided instructions for everyone to follow. Jared and Jensen both were amazed by her strength and convictions. Her love for her family and friends, it knew no bounds. They took Liam into their home. It wasn’t even a question to her, it was simply what needed to be done. In her mind, Y/N and Liam were family. The tragedy they all endured solidified that. Y/N needed to be cared for, she needed help. And if she was too stubborn to do it on her own, Danneel would do it for her. Y/N could fight and argue all she wanted, it didn’t make a difference.

Danneel organized packing up Y/N’s house. Everything was moved into Jared’s home. Most everything went to the basement, but essentials were set up in the guest room. Danneel did all she could to make that room a sanctuary for Y/N. She even went so far to buy some furniture, clothes, whatever she felt might be needed. Because of Y/N’s unconscious state and lack of family, Danneel obtained Power of Attorney for her. Her and Jensen worked to pay the past due bills, settle her affairs. The bank took hold of the house. Danneel figured it was for the best. Y/N was paying too much for it, the house was in no condition to be a good home, and if Danneel were in Y/N’s shoes, she’d imagined being there would only cause more grief and pain.

_“She’ll hate you,” Jensen said to his wife as she carried on with her mission. “She’ll yell and scream, tell you that you had no right.”_

_“Then she’ll hate me.” Danneel shrugged. “It’s not about me, Jay. It’s about her. She may not want this, but she needs it. And I’m going to do all I can for her. If we don’t help her, fight for her, who will?”_

Jared wiped the tears from his eyes, remembering the conversations with Dani. He felt truly blessed to have such wonderful people in his life. And he wanted that for Y/N as well. He rose from his chair and walked to the bed, looking down at Y/N. Her color was improving, she looked peaceful. He reached down and squeezed her hand in his own.

“I’m here. You’re not alone, Y/N. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Rock bottom does things to a person. You never really understand until you’ve been there. It’s a darkness, an emptiness, that no human soul should ever have to endure. But the good news about hitting rock bottom is there is only one place to go…up.

**_Reader POV_ **

When I woke in the hospital, I was shocked. I didn’t know how I got there or what had happened. I listened to the doctor go over my ailments, my body finally giving in to all I had done. I felt ashamed. Not because of what I had done. But the fact that I failed and was still here. I couldn’t tell them that, what I was thinking and feeling. I would just chock it up to “coping too hard”. A mistake. Nothing more.

I was aware of Jared, Jensen, and Danneel in the room. They had talked to me, mentioning things like “It’ll be ok.”, “Moving in with Jared.”, “Liam’s ok.”. Danneel stayed close to me. She helped me dress, helped me sign papers and leave. I was in a daze, not really sure what was happening. She seemed to know what she was doing, so I just resigned myself to following her guidance, doing as she said. I didn’t talk, didn’t make a sound. No one really seemed to expect me to. I was grateful. Though their lingering stares, Jared’s especially, were unnerving. They could take their pity and shove it. They didn’t know me. They didn’t understand. Didn’t care.

Danneel gave me a tour through Jared’s house, Jared and Jensen quiet and lingering in the distance. She showed me what was to be Liam’s room and then my room. If I was of the mindset to care, I’m sure I would have been floored at the beautiful, spacious, and welcoming room before me. But as it was, I could only look and shrug.

I spent nearly every moment in bed the first week. Danneel was always there. Giving me some type of medicine, food. She made me get out of bed at least once a day to shower and walk around the block. I hated the fresh air. There was no alcohol, no cigarettes. It angered me and the only way to fight the urge and a massive blow up was to go back to bed. That was my life, my existence. I lived in the dreams I had, daring to dream of a better life and future. One where Liam was happy and healthy. One where I was loved and held until I fell asleep each night.

After a couple of weeks, I started to feel better. I was out of bed, more active. I attempted to interact with everyone, at least to some degree. It was forced and awkward, talking only about safe topics, like the kids, the weather. For the most part, I kept to myself. I could see it bothered Jared, to a great extent. But he kept his distance, kept quiet. I assumed he was still upset for my betrayal. Something that, now, didn’t seem important. I hadn’t asked about my belongings, didn’t even search them out. I hadn’t even thought of Brian since that day. I shut down, gave up, and pretended that I was still alive.

I sat in bed, covers pulled to my chest, staring at the wall before me. I assumed having slept so much in the weeks before, my body now felt it never needed sleep again. My new normal was staring at nothing until exhaustion took over. Even then, I only slept for a short time before I was up once more, mind reeling. A knock sounded suddenly on my door. It was unusual. I glanced at the clock to see it was one o’clock in the morning. I sighed, knowing nothing good could come from a knock at this hour.

Jared entered slowly, peeking his head around the door. “Y/N, are you still up?” He asked softly. I glanced at him, then back to my hands in my lap as I shifted uncomfortably in bed. Jared entered the room, closing the door behind him before he walked over and sat on the bed beside me.

“Still not sleeping?” He asked. I looked to him with confusion.  _How did he know?_  I shrugged, acting as if it were no big deal. “I hate seeing you like this. You can’t get better if you shut down. Please, tell me how I can help you.” I could tell he was hurting. I wasn’t sure  _why_.

“You don’t need to help me, Jared.”

“I do. You were there for me, you helped me. And I like to think I helped you too, a bit.” He sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. “You’re my  _best_ friend, Y/N. Through all of this, you’ve just  _been_ there and understood.  _Please_ , let me be the same for you.” I looked at him then and nodded. I didn’t know what I needed, but I trusted him. I trusted him to be a friend, to help me through whatever was going on. I knew that meant I’d have to talk to him, reveal things even I didn’t want to think about. But he was here, begging me to let him in. And for some reason I didn’t understand, I let him.

“When’s the last time you had any real sleep?” He asked, concern on his face.

“A few weeks, I guess.” I shrugged again. He sighed.

“Wanna watch some Netflix?” He asked sheepishly.

“Sure.” I felt a small smirk tugging at the corner of my mouth in spite of my best efforts. I knew he noticed it when he smiled back. He situated himself beside me, leaning against the headboard and set up Netflix on the TV.

* * *

Jared woke first. He moved his head and felt a pain in his neck. He had fallen asleep, propped up against the headboard and slumped. He looked to his side to see Y/N, snuggled into her blankets, having them tucked safely under her chin. He smiled at seeing her so peaceful. He reached to brush the hair from her face, but she stirred. He froze and thought better of it, carefully climbing out of bed so as not to disturb her. He didn’t want her freaking out or anything becoming awkward. He shut the door behind him, heading downstairs to make coffee.

That seemed to be the norm for a while. They would both suffer, every night, with an inability to fall asleep. They would gravitate towards each other, watching movies and shows until they passed out. Jared always woke first, and always left, so things weren’t uncomfortable for Y/N. Truth was, he enjoyed waking up beside her. It gave him comfort and hope. He didn’t want to risk her waking up and things being awkward, risk losing something that had somehow become important to him.

A few days later, a carnival came into town. The kids were really excited and Jared found it contagious. It had been a while since he had done anything with the kids. Hell, it had been a while since he’d really gone out to do anything. It was time. And what better way than spending time with his kids at the carnival?

“Hey Y/N,” Jared said, coming up to her as she made a coffee, one all day habit she couldn’t manage to kick.

“Hey, Jared. What’s up?” She smiled at him, taking a sip from her cup.

Jared took a deep breath before speaking. “So…the kids were talking about a carnival that just came into town.” He smiled at her, his dimples showing. She loved the gleam in his eye, found herself captivated. “And I used to love carnivals.” He licked his lips. “So I was thinking maybe we could all go? Me, you, and the kids.”

_Childlike_. That’s all Y/N could think as she gazed at Jared. His eyes were bright, his dimples deep. He had a glow and bounce to him that she hadn’t seen before. It was a childlike wonder. Y/N’s heart warmed knowing that, for even a moment, he had a genuine happiness. She wondered if he realized it or not.

“That sounds like a good time.” Y/N conceded. “Ooh, but I really want a funnel cake.” She smiled. Jared saw a moment of her happiness, like the hint of a spark. He swelled with pride and awe at the spark.  _She may be broken, but she’s not completely gone._  Jared had hope.

* * *

Jared laughed as he watched Y/N and the kids digging into the two funnel cakes he purchased. Their faces already becoming coated in the powdered sugar. Y/N hummed with delight, her eyes closing in bliss, as she savored the first bite she pulled from the funnel cake. Jared laughed, watching her.

“What? It’s so good!” She exclaimed defensively. Jared shook his head, chuckling, turning his attention back to the kids who had already managed to devour one of the cakes.

“Hey guys, slow down!” He laughed, taking the empty plate and tossing it in the trash.

“Thank you for taking us to the fair, Jared,” Liam stated with a huge grin, powdered sugar clinging to his lips and chin.

“Yeah, Dad, thanks!” The others chimed in. Y/N turned to Jared, placing a hand on his forearm.

“Yeah, thanks.” She said softly, offering him a tender smile.

“You’re welcome.” He answered her, enjoying her smile for a moment.

After the carnival, they arrived back at Jared’s house. The kids were passing out in the car, too much excitement for one day. Y/N and Jared put the kids to bed, then Y/N went off to her room. Jared stopped by to talk to her.

“Hey, Y/N. Going to bed?” He asked as he looked around her room, seeing how she was settling in.

“Yeah, pretty tired after today.” She answered, pulling back the covers and climbing into bed.

“Yeah, it was a really good day.” He smiled, watching her settle in. “Well, have a good night. I’ll see you in the morning.” He turned and left, shutting the door behind him. Y/N rolled over with a smile on her face, feeling content for the first time in a long time.

* * *

Jared tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable. Each time he felt close to sleep, something would pop into his mind to keep him awake. He tried putting on Netflix. That seemed to help over the past few weeks. But after some time, he still couldn’t fall asleep. A thought occurred to him and he wondered if Y/N was having the same issue. After much internal debate, he rose from the bed and made his way to Y/N’s room.

He didn’t knock, not wanting to risk waking her if she was asleep. He gently opened the door, closing it behind him as quietly as possible. As he turned, he saw her, laying in bed, her eyes open and staring at him.

“Hey.” He said, sitting on the side of the bed and looking at her. He brushed some hair from her face. “Can’t sleep?”

“Not really.” She mumbled, looking away from him and shifting under her covers. “I tried watching TV, but it didn’t help. I’m so tired, I don’t understand why I can’t sleep.”

Jared cleared his throat, trying to cautiously approach the situation. “I think, at least for me, that having you there is a comfort. It’s peaceful and I fall asleep easily. When I was alone, I was just aware of being alone.” He watched her carefully as she nodded, thinking on his words. “C-can I lay with you?” He asked hesitantly. Y/N sat up then and looked at him hard. Her face was unreadable. Jared was afraid he had gone too far.

“Yeah. Yeah, ok.” She whispered, scooting over and throwing back the covers for him. He nodded as he climbed in beside her and settled down on his side, facing her. They laid there, just looking at each other for a moment.

“Goodnight, Jared.” Y/N said, closing her eyes.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” Jared whispered, letting his own eyes close.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to @winsister91 who not only created some dialogue for me (because it’s not my strong point), and who helped encourage me to keep writing through some hard times (it’s been a rough week). You’re my rock, Sammy!

Jared stirred himself awake. He quickly realized he had wrapped himself around Y/N at some point, holding her firmly against him. He glanced down at her, noting how her body slotted against his perfectly. She was warm and soft, yet firm. Her scent filled his nostrils and his body relaxed.  _What’s happening?_  He adjusted his hold on her, his arm wrapping tighter around her torso. She stirred and let out a breathy whisper.  _Brian_.

Jared’s heart dropped into his stomach. He carefully removed himself from Y/N and made his way downstairs to make coffee. He pondered over the situation. He didn’t know why he was feeling so upset and hurt. It wasn’t like they were together. And they were both still mourning to varying degrees. Perhaps he had a bit of hope that they were connecting through it all. He did his best to brush it off as he went about his morning routines.

They spent the day together. They went to their group meeting and had coffee at their little cafe as usual. Jared was set to leave the next morning for Vancouver, going back to work full-time on the show. Y/N would stay at the house, caring for the kids. She helped him pack that night after the kids were asleep. They stayed up fairly late, just talking. Jared fell asleep happy, with Y/N beside him.

* * *

Jared had been gone for two months. He and Y/N had video calls every night, talking about their day until they fell asleep. The first few nights, they had trouble sleeping, as they had grown accustomed to laying together. They then developed a new routine of keeping their video chat running as they fell asleep. Though they didn’t get as much sleep as they did when they were together, they still got enough to keep them going. They talked all day every day, by phone, text, or video. Usually about nothing, sometimes about deep important things.

Last week was a wash. Jared had spent a few days alone in his Vancouver apartment, shut off from the world. It was the one year anniversary of the accident. He cried, mourned, felt the pain all over again. He couldn’t fathom how he had managed to make it through a whole year, a year without Gen. Then he thought of Y/N. She had saved them, and she continued to save him every day since then. He stared at her number for a long time, debating on whether to call her. He assumed she too would be going through her mourning on this day. After much internal debate, he pressed the call button, waiting for her to answer.

“Hello?” Y/N’s voice rang through, raspy and tired. Jared closed his eyes, both in relief that she had answered and in pain at hearing her suffering.

“Hey, Y/N/N.” Jared sighed heavily, letting out a long breath that said more than words could at the moment.

“Yeah.” She whispered in reply.

“I can’t believe it’s been a year. A whole year.”

“Yeah,” she sniffled.

After a long pause, Jared took a deep breath. “We’re all here because of you, Y/N. My children saw another year.  _I_  saw another year. You saved us from dying, saved others from suffering because of it.”

“Jared, I…”

“No, Y/N. I miss her. I miss her so damn much sometimes, I’m not sure how I’ll get through the next moments. But, then I remember, that there’s an angel looking out for me. Not only did you save our lives, you’ve continued to save us every step of the way. I-I really don’t know if I would have gotten this far had it not been for you.”

“You have Jay and Dani. They love you. You have your family, friends, the fans. You’d still be doing well, healing, moving forward. You are strong and I think you’ve made it this far because of yourself and your strength.”

“Maybe.” Jared conceded. “But having you there certainly made it all that much… _better_.”

There was a long pause of silence between them. Y/N let out a huff, “I’ll just talk to you later, Jared. Try to have a good day.” She hung up the phone in a hurry, leaving Jared staring at the disconnected phone in confusion.

* * *

Jared was thankful for the quick break they were getting. Y/N hadn’t called or texted in days, and Jared hadn’t attempted either. He needed to see her, to talk to her in person, where she couldn’t just ignore him or hang up on him. When he got home, he was surprised to find no one home. He went to Dani’s and all the kids were there. Turns out, every day since the anniversary, Y/N would drop the kids off, then disappear for several hours, before coming back to get the kids and go on about her daily routines. No one knew where she went in her solitude. Jared was determined to find out, hoping she wasn’t slipping into old habits again.

As Jared’s concern grew, he tried calling and texting Y/N but received no response. In his haste and worry, he decided to hop in his car and drive around town until he found her. He went by the hospital, but she hadn’t been there. He went to their coffee shop, but no one had seen her in a while. He was about to give up, before he passed the graveyard, seeing her car parked within.  _What the hell?_  He parked towards the entrance of the cemetery, before exiting the vehicle and walking to find Y/N.

He saw her in the distance. She was standing at Gen’s grave. He grew guarded as he quietly approached, staying out of her line of sight, but close enough to overhear her.

“He misses you…” he overheard her whispering, “So much. I feel like I have no right standing here talking to you. I don’t even know you… hearing him talk about you…you’re a pretty amazing person.”

“You must be amazing…” she continued, wiping her eyes with her sleeve, “‘Cause he’s pretty amazing too…I can feel it. “ She admitted, clutching her chest. “But he deserves  _you_. It’s wrong you were separated, it should be me in the ground…”

“I’m just so sorry I couldn’t save you. It’s my fault!” She cried out, sobbing and falling to her knees, hitting the ground hard. Jared ran from his hiding place, kneeling behind Y/N as he wrapped his arms around her, bringing her tight against his chest. His body shook from the force of her sobs. He held her, silently crying his own tears against her hair, for as long as it took until her body stopped trembling and her breathing evened out. He helped her to stand and gently turned her in his arms. She stared down at her feet, unable to look at him.

“I’m so sorry.” She whispered, her voice raspy and low. He cupped her face, his fingers in her hair, as he tilted her face to look at him. She held her eyes closed for a moment, before allowing them to flutter open and meet his gaze. Jared’s heart broke, seeing the red around her eyes, the wetness on her face, the flood of tears sitting on the brim, ready to fall. He wiped the tears from her face and smoothed back her hair.

“Let me take you home.” He whispered. She nodded, allowing him to lead her from the cemetery. He texted Jensen, asking him to pick up Y/N’s car. He would explain later. Y/N had shut down, she broke. Jared opened the door for her, helping her into the passenger’s seat and buckling her in. She barely moved, didn’t make a sound. Just stared, empty. Jared was trying his hardest not to freak out or breakdown. He needed to be strong for her now, after all the times she had been strong for him. He owed her that much. He drove her home and helped her to the couch. She laid down and stared at the wall until she fell asleep. Jared walked outside, carefully shutting the door quietly behind him, before pulling out his phone and calling Jensen.

* * *

Jared sat in the armchair in the living room, his eyes trained on Y/N’s sleeping form, as he allowed his mind to roll over thoughts. He had arranged for Jensen and Danneel to keep the kids for a few days. Jared needed to be alone with Y/N, to help her, to give her his time and attention the way she had done for him. Getting her better was his top priority.

Y/N stirred awake and Jared brought all of his focus onto her. As she sat up on the couch, he moved to sit beside her, handing her a glass of water from the table. She sipped a little before placing the glass back on the table.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, tilting his head to capture her eyes.

“I’m…okay.” She whispered, offering a weak smile.

“It’s not your fault,” Jared said softly, still holding her gaze. “It’s not my fault either.” He added. She searched his eyes, shocked at his admission. She tried so long to convince him it wasn’t his fault. To hear him finally say it, out loud, was marveling. “It was an accident. An unfortunate accident. We can’t change what happened, a-and we can’t blame ourselves.”

Y/N nodded in agreement and understanding, dropping her head once more and fidgeting with her hands. He covered her hands with his. “It also brought me my best friend. I never would have come this far without you. Yes, there were others helping me. But you,” He lifted her chin to look at him, “You got me through this. And I’m so damn glad to have you in my life.” He fought back his own tears, the weight of his words hitting him hard as it lifted from him. He stood from the couch, grabbing her hand and pulling her to her feet. “I have a surprise for you.” He said with a small grin.

Jared pulled her along behind him, guiding her upstairs to her bedroom. He opened the door and pulled her inside. The room was mostly dark. However, on the floor was a makeshift tent made from linens, filled with pillows and blankets, soft white light coming from the small electric lantern lit inside. Y/N turned to Jared with a questioning smile. He stepped towards her, rubbing the back of his neck as he spoke.

“When I was a kid, and I would get sad, I would make a tent or pillow fort and it would make me feel better.” He said as he climbed inside, laying to one side of the tent. Y/N followed behind, laying on the opposite side. She laid on her side, her head on the pillow. Jared mimicked her actions as they looked at each other.

“Do you always do this…when you’re sad?”

Jared laughed. “No actually, I haven’t done it since I was a kid. Haven’t thought about it really.” He shrugged.

“So why now?”

“I don’t know. I just…” He adjusted, sitting up on his elbow, looking down at her. “I saw you sleeping and I thought about what happened earlier. I wanted you to have comfort and safety, I wanted to  _give_ that to you. Then the memory popped into my head. It always made me feel safe.”

Y/N smiled, a genuine smile, as she nodded and wiggled further into the pillows surrounding her. Jared did the same, bringing his hands under his pillow for support.

“Goodnight, Jared.” Y/N spoke through a yawn as she closed her eyes.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” Jared said, smiling as he watched her fall asleep, waiting for his heart to calm down.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, a bit of fluff was definitely due for this series. But as in real life, there are always obstacles to overcome. I’ve missed these characters and this story. Hopefully, the chapters will come more regularly now. Beta’d by the magnificent @winchesterprincessbride. As always, feedback is appreciated. : )

**_Previously…_   
**

_“It’s not your fault,” Jared said softly, still holding her gaze. “It’s not my fault either.” He added. She searched his eyes, shocked at his admission. She tried so long to convince him it wasn’t his fault. To hear him finally say it, out loud, was marveling. “It was an accident. An unfortunate accident. We can’t change what happened, a-and we can’t blame ourselves.”_

_Y/N nodded in agreement and understanding, dropping her head once more and fidgeting with her hands. He covered her hands with his. “It also brought me my best friend. I never would have come this far without you. Yes, there were others helping me. But you,” He lifted her chin to look at him, “You got me through this. And I’m so damn glad to have you in my life.” He fought back his own tears, the weight of his words hitting him hard as it lifted from him. He stood from the couch, grabbing her hand and pulling her to her feet. “I have a surprise for you.” He said with a small grin._

_Jared pulled her along behind him, guiding her upstairs to her bedroom. He opened the door and pulled her inside. The room was mostly dark. However, on the floor was a makeshift tent made from linens, filled with pillows and blankets, soft white light coming from the small electric lantern lit inside. Y/N turned to Jared with a questioning smile. He stepped towards her, rubbing the back of his neck as he spoke._

_“When I was a kid, and I would get sad, I would make a tent or pillow fort and it would make me feel better.” He said as he climbed inside, laying to one side of the tent. Y/N followed behind, laying on the opposite side. She laid on her side, her head on the pillow. Jared mimicked her actions as they looked at each other._

_“Do you always do this…when you’re sad?”_

_Jared laughed. “No actually, I haven’t done it since I was a kid. Haven’t thought about it really.” He shrugged._

_“So why now?”_

_“I don’t know. I just…” He adjusted, sitting up on his elbow, looking down at her. “I saw you sleeping and I thought about what happened earlier. I wanted you to have comfort and safety, I wanted to give that to you. Then the memory popped in my head. It always made me feel safe.”_

_Y/N smiled, a genuine smile, as she nodded and wiggled further into the pillows surrounding her. Jared did the same, bringing his hands under his pillow for support. **  
**_

_“Goodnight, Jared.” Y/N spoke through a yawn as she closed her eyes._

_“Goodnight, Y/N.” Jared said, smiling as he watched her fall asleep, waiting for his heart to calm down._

* * *

“Well, it’s been just over a year since my wife passed,” Jared began, speaking to the group. “The anniversary was hard. I spent the day reliving the accident and old memories.” He looked to the ground, allowing himself to feel a moment of that grief before straightening his posture and smiling. “But I also thought a lot about the good that’s come since.” He dared a glance at Y/N.

For a while now, he’d felt himself growing closer to her, protective of her. He thought at first it was reverence. For his angel, for a friend. But a warmth grew in his heart and spread through his being that multiplied with each passing day. He couldn’t go a day without seeing her or talking to her. And her presence in his life gave him a strength to keep moving forward. He couldn’t label it, wouldn’t dare. But he basked in it all the same, secretly enjoying and savoring the glow.

“We are so glad to see you are healing, Jared. Thank you for sharing with us.” Ms. Warren offered, guiding the group. Jared remembered when he started the group, how irritated he had become with her. Her friendly and soft voice seemed condescending at the time. But he became grateful to have such a skilled and understanding individual guiding the group.

Elizabeth had seen Jared and Y/N bond from the beginning and had continued to watch their interactions throughout their meetings. While she enjoyed seeing them build a friendship, she was worried about them building a relationship based off of their shared trauma. However, after talking with them separately and in private, she realized theirs was more of a companionship, not romantic in its nature. In fact, neither of them had had any sort of romantic relations with anyone since their spouses died. As she rarely saw meeting attendees who bonded to each other, she held a special interest in Jared and Y/N and their interactions.

“Today, I’d like to discuss something that may seem a bit taboo or difficult. Some of the most common questions I receive from people are ‘ _How long does it take to grieve_ ’ and ‘ _When is it ok for me to date again_ ’. And the answer is, there is no right answer.” Elizabeth paused to gauge the attendees' reactions. They varied, from discomfort to interest. “The grieving process does not have a timeline. No one “should” be at any certain stage by a certain time. You heal at your own pace. Some people its a few months, others it can take years.”

Elizabeth monitored reactions of the group, most shock, and awe at the idea of what they’re going through possibly spanning years.

“As for dating, again, there is no right answer. All cultures and religions offer their own guidelines to mourning. Most of which indicate that mourning of a spouse can “end” after one year. And those mourning practices, such as wearing black, were no longer required. My advice to you is if you are considering dating again, make sure you’re truly ready. You can start by just talking to people, having casual encounters that aren’t labeled as dates, see how you do. If you find you spend most of your time talking about grieving or your spouse, you’re not ready. And that’s okay. Take some time for yourself, learn who you are again. Then, you can work on being you, just with someone else.” Elizabeth chuckled and several members of the group joined in, the tension of the topic seems to dissipate. She truly enjoyed spending her time making people feel whole again.

* * *

“I have a thought.” Jared said to Y/N as he grabbed his and Y/N’s coffees at their usual after-meeting cafe. “Why don’t we hang out today?”

“Hang out?” Y/N asked, retrieving her coffee from Jared with a grateful smile.

“Yeah, just you and me.”

“Don’t you have something with Jensen and Danneel later? And the kids…”

“I’ll take care of it. Just give me a minute.” Jared said excitedly as he stepped outside the cafe, dialing Jensen. Y/N watched from inside the cafe, sipping at her coffee. The sunlight was shining down on Jared, making the highlights in his hair shine, his skin glisten. Y/N smiled warmly and flushed when Jared turned and flashed her a quick wink, continuing his conversation. He came back in a moment later.

“So…we have the whole day.” Jared beamed down at Y/N. She could feel herself blush slightly under his gaze and fought to control herself. Jared bent his head to catch her eyes. “What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “It was  _your_  idea!”

Jared laughed before grabbing Y/N by the hand and pulling her from the cafe. “Come on, let’s go.”

They spent hours, walking around town, through a local park, and window shopping. They talked non-stop, about everything. Jared told her stories and memories he had around town. Y/N talked about some of her own. As the sun began to set, and the night’s chill began to settle in, Jared walked Y/N back to his car. He opened the passenger door, helping her inside before closing the door and jogging around the back of the car to the driver’s side.

“Where to now?” He asked, starting up the car and buckling himself in. Y/N thought to herself for a minute before an excited grin spread on her face.

“I know of a place.” She said. Jared nodded in response, driving off. Y/N’s directions took them to a hill outside of town where the light pollution was minimal. Jared parked the car and they sat on the hood, looking out over the stillness and the stars above them.

“I used to come here a lot when I needed to clear my head and be alone for a while.” Y/N broke the silence. Jared turned his full attention to her. “I would just look up at the stars and wish I could use the sky as a blanket. Just disappear into that vastness.” She lowered her eyes to meet his and blushed at the gentle expression she found there. He smiled at her as he grasped her hand in his own, squeezing lightly before they both turned their eyes back to the twinkling sky.

Eventually, they made it home, Jared having guided Y/N from the car, through the house, to where they were standing in the hallway by their rooms.

“I’m gonna shower and get changed. I’ll meet you in your room after?” Jared said cautiously. Y/N nodded in response. Even though they had been sleeping together every night for a while, for some reason, this just felt different. New.

By the time Y/N had finished her shower and dressed in her pajamas, Jared was knocking on her door. She beckoned him to enter as she readied the bed for sleeping. Jared softly closed the door behind him. He crawled in the bed, pulling the covers over himself as he turned on his side, Y/N mimicking his actions. **  
**

“Thank you,” Y/N said, looking up at Jared as he rested on his elbow beside her. His brow furrowed in confusion. “For today.” She added with a smile. Jared smiled back warmly. He couldn’t resist the urge to brush a few hairs from her face, letting his hand settle on her cheek. His eyes shifted frantically between hers as he felt his body being pulled down towards her of its own accord. A moment of panic flashed through his mind before it was silenced as his lips gently met hers. She let out a soft sigh, her hand hesitantly reaching up and grazing through his hair. Jared forced himself to pull away as his body was egging him on for more.

“Goodnight, Y/N.” He whispered, trying to control his heart. She was blushing beneath him, a dopey smile on her face.

“Goodnight, Jared.” She whispered back, rolling away from him. Jared took a chance, wrapping his arm around her middle. She scooted back into him and Jared smiled, holding her closer as they fell asleep.

* * *

_Y/N looked around her in confusion. She was standing beside a highway. As she turned around, she could see two vehicles locked together, smoke rising from their point of impact. The accident. She could hear the cries of children, but couldn’t see them anywhere. She tried to rush towards the accident but felt like she was moving through water, the scene before her drawing out further into the distance._

_Y/N was determined. She pushed forward, reaching her hands out to her as if she could swim through the air and reach the wreckage. As she drew closer, the vehicles exploded, knocking her to the ground. She shook the daze from her mind and forced herself to stand. Fires were burning on the debris around her and over the vehicles. She reached the passenger door of the first vehicle. The window was open, a brunette woman slumped forward in the seat, her skin burned nearly beyond recognition from the explosion. Gen, she thought._

_Y/N reached forward through the window to see if she was still alive. As she was about to reach her neck to check for a pulse, Gen’s head shot up, her cloudy white eyes boring into Y/N. The flesh of her face was burned and peeling, blood oozing from her mouth as she opened it to speak._

_“Stay away from my family!” Gen rattled, her hand capturing Y/N’s wrist and squeezing tightly. Y/N felt a burning at her wrist and glanced to see the skin turning red where Gen held her._

_“I’m so sorry!” Y/N shouted at the animated corpse. “I tried to help!” Tears threatened at the corners of her eyes as Y/N struggled to break free from the boney and burned hand holding her in place._

_“Your fault!” Y/N heard Gen say. There was a flash and Gen was suddenly returned to her slumped position, as if nothing had happened. Y/N continued to hear “Your Fault” as a ghostly chant through the air, taunting her. She backed away from the wreckage, holding her hands over her ears as she shouted at the sky._

_“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” She screamed as she fell to her knees, trying to block out the taunts as they surrounded her, screaming louder and louder._

“Y/N! Y/N, wake up!” Jared was frantic, trying to wake Y/N as she thrashed and screamed beside him in bed. “Y/N, honey, wake up, please!”

Y/N’s eyes shot open and she sat upright, breathing heavy and looking around her surroundings. She exhaled, trying to calm herself before turning to see Jared. His hair was a mess, he looked tired, and concern was etched all over his features. Suddenly, the image of Gen popped back in her mind and Y/N felt a huge wave of guilt. **  
**

“Get out.” She said softly, barely audible.

“What?” Jared asked, wrapping an arm around her back, trying to scoot closer to hear her. She shrugged out of his arms, standing up beside the bed.

“Get out.” She said more forcefully, staring him down. “You can’t be here. You need to leave.” She refused to look him in the eye, knowing that doing so, she would break.

“Y/N. I-What happened?” Jared asked, kneeling on the bed and crawling closer to her. He reached for her and she pulled away, wrapping her arms around herself.

“ _Please_. Just go.” She begged. Jared’s heart shattered. He nodded, climbing out of bed and walking towards the door. He glanced back at Y/N as she sat on the end of the bed, holding her head in her hands. He sighed as he left the room, closing the door softly behind him. Y/N absentmindedly rubbed at her wrist, trying to ease the ache that was present, but seeing there were no marks.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took me a while and suddenly, inspiration struck! It was difficult for me to write for this series for a while because the characters were healing and I was not. Interesting conundrum. Feedback is appreciated. : )

Y/N listened to the door click closed and rocked herself, trying to calm her nerves. Her wrist was now sore from rubbing it absentmindedly for God knows how long. She was tired, but every time she closed her eyes, the images of the dream popped back into her mind. She was torn between the guilt she felt from the dream and the guilt she felt from pushing Jared away. She laughed bitterly to herself, desperate for comfort, for Jared, and knowing that receiving that comfort from him would only make her feel worse.

She thought about the kiss, about his arms wrapped around her and how good it all felt. For the first time in a long time, she was starting to feel peace and happiness seep into her bones, only to be ripped away harshly by a dream… _a dream!_  She knew Jared had to be sitting in his room, wondering what he did wrong and her stomach twisted as she realized how confused and hurt he must feel, all because she couldn’t manage to process this on her own.

_“It’s ok to ask for help, to receive help, to need help. You know that, right?”_ Jared’s words from what seemed like a lifetime ago rang in her head. He had been there for her, every step of the way. When he needed help, needed someone to listen or lean on, she was there. Her instincts told her to go it alone, like she always had, to deal with it however she could and not bother anyone with her problems. But her way wasn’t getting her through it, her way wasn’t helping her to heal.

“Fuck it,” she muttered to herself as she forced herself to rise from the bed and made her feet carry her forward, pausing at her bedroom door. “Just…tell him.” she sighed to herself, ignoring every blaring alarm and instinct in her body telling her to do otherwise. She opened the door swiftly and paused in confusion, seeing Jared sat in the hall, his back leaning against his own door.

“Jared?” she asked, her voice weak. His head shot up, seeing her standing in the door frame and he pushed himself off the floor to his feet as he looked at her. His hair looked as though he had run his hands through it a million times, his expression pained.

“Y/N…” he breathed out, taking a step closer to her, “I-I don’t know what I did, o-or what happened…”

“I think,” she interrupted him, closing her eyes and steadying her nerves before meeting his eyes once more, “I want to talk to you.” It was all she could manage at that moment and she hoped he understood what she meant. He took slow steps towards her, nodding as he gently laid his hand on her arm, urging her back into her bedroom. She nodded, entering the room and sitting at the end of the bed with a huff. Jared closed the door and took a seat at her feet, looking up at her and waiting.

“I don’t like relying on other people for things,” she started, staring at her hands in her lap, “I don’t like needing help or asking for help because it makes me feel weak and powerless,” she met his eyes then, her heart heavy, “I’ve been trying to do this on my own, to deal with it all on my own, and I thought I was getting better,” she fought back the tears she felt brimming in her eyes, “But I’m not getting better, Jare.” she shook her head, finding it incredibly difficult to be so vulnerable and open.

“I dreamed about the accident again,” she closed her eyes, seeing images from her dream flash through her mind once more, “I saw Gen in the car and I reached for her and she grabbed me and, and…” she choked back a sob and Jared sat on his knees, placing his hands on hers and trying to comfort her. Y/N looked up at him as the tears started to fall, “She told me to stay away from her family and that it was my fault.” she cried out.

Jared gathered her in his arms, fighting back his own tears. It was killing him that she still, after all this time, couldn’t let go of her guilt and he didn’t understand  _why_. He no longer blamed himself for the accident, and Y/N’s persistence was one of the biggest factors in that.

“It was nobody’s fault, Y/N,” he whispered into her hair as she clung to him, “Accidents just happen sometimes. You told me that, remember?” he ran his hands over her back, trying to soothe her and he felt her nod against him. She pulled back, wiping her face and staring at her lap once more.

“After the accident, I almost felt relief at Brian-” she shook her head, struggling to say all that she had held in, “Then I felt guilty because I felt that way, because I wasn’t sadder that he was gone,” she looked up at him, forcing him to sit back on his heels as he listened, “Who does that? How fucked up is that?” she laughed bitterly, shaking her head.

“A-and then there’s you,” she gave him a pained smile and his brow furrowed as he let her continue, “You say that I saved you, and maybe I did, but you…you breathed life back into me. You were patient and kind and understanding. You never gave up on me, even when you probably should have. And I started to feel-” she shook her head vigorously, before standing and pacing in a tight circle, “It’s wrong,” she stated, looking at him in anger.

“What’s wrong?” Jared asked, rising to his feet and watching her carefully.

“What I think…what I  _feel_ …” she shook her head again and Jared could see she was about to panic or, worse, shut down on him again. She was finally talking to him and he couldn’t - wouldn’t - let her close herself off once more.

“Tell me,” he asked gently, moving closer to her. She shook her head again and he persisted, moving closer, “Y/N.”

“You make me feel happy,” she whispered, her shoulders slumping, “You make me feel safe and appreciated and,” she hesitantly met his eyes, “But it’s wrong.” she dismissed.

“Why is it wrong, Y/N?” he was standing in front of her, “Brian and Gen are gone and as much as that hurts, and I’m sure it will always hurt, we have to move on.” he urged and she shook her head again as if to fight off his words. He lifted her chin to meet her eyes and tucked the hair behind her ear, “What aren’t you telling me?” he whispered.

“Something’s happening between us,” she responded, caught by the gentleness of his eyes, “I want it, but I feel like it’s wrong because of how we met.” Y/N felt her weight lessen at her admission, at the words she wouldn’t even say to herself.

Jared cupped her face in his hands, “I want it too.” he breathed out, before giving her a gentle, chaste kiss, then wrapping his arms around her, holding her tightly to him. She relaxed in his hold, feeling warm and exhausted. He wanted her to know he understood, and that he felt the same. But he wasn’t going to push her or force her into anything. He would be there, whenever she was ready and would be whatever she needed him to be as she worked through it.

“C-Can we lie down again?” she asked timidly and Jared smiled slightly, nodding as he took her hand and led her back to the bed, tucking her in before climbing in the other side and settling down beside her. He moved closer, wrapping her in his arms as her head rested against his chest.

“Thank you,” Jared said, letting his eyes close, “For talking to me. I know it wasn’t easy for you.” he let his hand soothe over her back and she hummed in response, half-asleep.


End file.
